luni, 22 septembrie 2014

Cu bune intentii

Sforrrrrrr! Sfooooorrr! Sffooooorrrr! Sfooooorrrrr!
Chock! Chock! Chock!
Sfooooorrrr! Sforrrrrr! Sforrrrr!
Chock! Chock! Chock! 
- Hiiiii! Mainile sus, nemernicule! Sunt inarmata si nu ma feresc!
- Stai! Stai, nu te teme! Sunt eu. Mugur.
- Si eu, Sanda. 
Se auzi cea de-a doua voce mai adormita parca decat mine. 
Am privit mai cu luare aminte si i-am recunoscut pe  Broscoiul Mugur si pe Sanda  Plapanda   Gainusa.
A: Hey! Ce faceti aici? Cum ati ajuns? 
B.M.: Am incercat sa te sunam, dar n-ai raspuns. Apoi ti-am trimis un mail, n-ai raspuns nici acolo, in cele din urma am zis sa-ti scriem o scrisoare asa ca am intrebat-o pe Rodi de adresa ta, dar pe urma am zis ca pana o mai ajunge si aia pierdem o gramada de timp, asa ca am zis " Hai sa-i facem o surpriza. Sigur o sa se bucure, ca parintii noi au tot timpul nevoie de persoane care sa mai ajute la una alta, ca nu-i usoara viata cu copil." asa ca am zis sa nu mai pierdem timp si sa venim. Si ... am venit. 
A: Da, mi-am pierdut telefonul acum 2 saptamani. Stati jos, fac un ceai. Cat e ceasul?
B.M: 7:45. Toate zborurile sunt de la 4:55 vinerea. Asa ca scuze pentru ora. Dar tu baga-te la somn la loc ca iti facem noi ceai cand te trezesti. 
A: Ei, gata. Acum m-am trezit. Fac ceai.
B.M: Multumim. Multumim, Ada. 
A: Nu-i bai. 
As minti sa spun ca nu am injurat in gand de toate pizdoseniile universului. Ce cautau? Ce vroiau? si, mai ales, cat aveau de gand sa stea? Aceste intrebari ma macinau in timp ce scoteam aparent nonsalanta laptele din frigider. 
Am preparat ceaiul in liniste si l-am servit nepoftitilor mei musafiri. 
A: Asadar cu ce va pot fi de folos? Ziceti acum repede pana cand se trezeste Juniorul. 
In timpul vorbirii ochii mi se plimbau cand inspre unul, cand inspre alta iar finalul intrebarii m-a prins cu ochii indreptati catre Sanda. Aceasta isi indrepta privirea catre Mugur care zise:
B.M.: Ah, nu ca n-am venit cu un motiv anume. Am venit sa te vedem si sa te mai ajutam cu una-alta. Ca stim si noi ca e greu si Sanda e moarta dupa copii.
A: Nu-mi e greu deloc. Sunt ok ... Si cam cat ati vrea sa stati ca trebuie sa anunt aici la camping. 
B.M.: Pai cam ... 4-5 zile, nu, gainuso?
S.P.G.: Da, da, cateva zile. 
A: Ok. 
Cand ma intorsesem de la receptie, cei doi spalasera deja cestile de ceai si alte cateva vase pe care le aveam de ieri. 
" Ei, hai ca poate nu o fi chiar atat de rau. " mi-am spus si mi-am vazut de zi in continuare. 
Cei doi s-au dus repede la supermarket si au facut cumparaturile, apoi s-au pus pe gatit micul dejun. Omleta cu ciuperci si porumb fiert.
B.M.: Putem sa vedem si noi caravana pe dinauntru? 
A: Da, sigur. intrati!
Cei doi au intrat in Caravana ca intr-un montangne-rousse: cu o spaima jucausa de parca ar fi pornit intr-o mare aventura. 
B.M.: Da, e frumoasa, maricica exact cat trebuie. Bine, trebuie facuta putina ordine, dar altfel e lux. 
A: Nu inteleg ce vrei sa spui prin ordine. 
Am zis eu cu un aer de gluma, dar totusi indignata pentru ca, din fericire, facusem ordine chiar cu o zi inainte. 
A: Sarut-mana pentru masa. Vreti sa mergem sa vedem marea? 
B.M.: Nu, nu, am vrea sa ne odihnim un pic, dar mergeti voi si ne vedem mai incolo. 
Zis si facut. L-am pus pe Junior la punct si am plecat la ora de auncat pietre in apa pentru ca la intoarcere sa-l gasesc pe Mugur aranjandu-mi in linie perechile de pantofi in fata caravanei si pe Sanda scuturand presul de la intrare.
S.P.G.: Broscoiul zice ca de-acum sa nu mai intrati cu pantofi in picioare in caravana. 
B.M.: Poftiti, va rog. Casa dumneaoastra va asteapta. 
Am dat sa intru.
B.M.: Sa stii ca daca nu intri incaltata se pastreaza mai mult timp curatenia. Ma rog, fa cum vrei, nu ma baga in seama. 
M-am descaltat si am intrat. 
Bucataria era luna, hainele imi fusesera organizate in sertare diferite dupa criteriile Tops si Bottoms, chilotii la chiloti si sutienele la sutiene, totul era in linie. Am oftat discret.  Am deschis sertarul de sub chiuveta ca sa iau sapunul si am dat  peste tot soiul de chei si unelte. 
Fara sa ma uit in ochii Broscoiului, l-am intrebat cu voce joasa;
A: Unde e sapunul. 
B.M.: Sapunul ... aaaaa ... stai asa sa ma gandesc .... aaaa ... sapunul, sapunul ... Ah, gata, cred ca l-am pus in dulapul ... asta. Da, chiar asa, iata-l! 
Broscoiul mi-a dat sapunul din dulapul care in urma cu o ora fusese dulapul de borcane si conserve. 
A: Si borcanele unde le-ai pus?
B.M.: Aici, sub caravana. 
A: MmmKeeeey!
B.M.: E ok? Mai intreaba-ma cand nu gasesti ceva ca am mai schimbat pe ici-colo. 
A: De buna seama ... Ma duc la supermarket sa iau de mancare, vreti ceva in mod special? 
B.M.: Aaa, te duci la supermarket? Stai asa sa-ti fac o lista. 
Broscoiul s-a asezat la masa si a scris la repezeala un bilet, aruncand cate un ochi in jur ca sa vada ce mai lispeste apoi mi-a intins-o cu voiosie.  
B.M.: Cam asta.  Hai ca noi pregatim totul pana te intorci.
Inghitindu-mi vorbele, deci toate pulile pe care i le bagam pe cat Broscoiului, m-am intors pe calcaie si am pornit-o spre magazin. Am desfacut pe drum biletul:
- Ulei de prajit, hartie igienica, hartie de bucatarie, sare, rozmarin, branza si ceva dulce (daca nu cer prea mult)
Mi-am vazut de drum si gandul ca nu erau aici decat de cateva ore si ca asa urmau sa-mi fie urmatoarele 4-5 zile ... 4-5 zile?????????? NICI POMENEALA! Am bagat hotarata mana in geanta cautandu-mi telefonul. 
" Ah, futu-i! Nu mai am telefon. "- Idee! - " Prietenii romani pe care i-am cunoscul saptamana trecuta! M-or lasa si pe mine sa dau un telefon de la ei ..."
Zis si facut, m-am infiintat cu Junior-ul la ei la usa, le-am explicat pe scurt situatia iar acestia mi-au permis bineinteles sa le folosesc telefonul. 
R.: Alo!
A: Rodico, eu sunt. 
R: Nu pot sa cred, a dat domnu' sa ma suni TU pe MINE. Dar asta e nemaipomenit!
A: Fii atenta, nu ma intereseaza ce faci sau cum faci,dar mi-i iei de pe cap pe dubiosii astia ASTAZI caci altfel o sa fac o scena ingrozitoare. Fa ceva si scapa-ma! Hai ca nu pot sa mai stau ca nu sun de pe telefonul meu. Asadar, Rodico, DE URGENTA! 
Le-am multumit frumos prietenilor romani si mi-am vazut de drumul la supermarket. 
Cand m-am intors acasa i-am gasit pe cei doi cu bagajele in spinare pregatiti de plecare, 
B.M.: Ada, bine ca ai venit. Uite, tocmai ce am aflat ca au prins-o pe sor'mea niste golani, au violat-o si apoi i-au furat actele si cheile de casa, deci trebuie sa plecam neaparat, de fapt ... gainuso, tu daca vrei sa mai stai poti sa mai stai. Vrei?
Gainusa cazu pe ganduri, se uita ba la mine, ba la broscoi creand astfel un moment de suspans care a parut foarte, foarte lung, si in cele din urma se hotara:
S.P.G.: Nu, vin cu tine, Mugur. 
B.M.: Imi pare rau, dar trebuie sa plecam. Oricum, ma bucur mult ca te-am vazut. Aveti grija de voi. Pa!
Ne-am luat ramas bun, ne-am facut indelung cu mana si apoi s-au pierdut. Pe drum spre caravana incepusem sa ma gandesc ca poate am fost prea dura cu ei. In fond, venisera cu intentii bune, n-au vrut decat sa ajute. Am intrat in caravana sa ma spal pe dinti si ... 
A.: Unde-i pasta? Unde-i periuta?
Am scos tot din toate sertarele, din toate dulapurile ... n-a fost chip sa le gasesc. 
A: Unde mi-e telefonul? Sa-mi dea cineva beep! ... Mi-am amintit, imi pierdusem telefonul acum 2 saptamani intr-o cabina de proba. Hotararea mea era luata:
A: MOARTE SA LI SE DEA! 

                                                                                 - SFARSIT- 







joi, 18 septembrie 2014

AnAda Compilation

Sa-mi fie rusine. N-am mai scris. Cel putin nu povesti, dar pot spune ca lucrez la cel mai ambitios proiect pe care l-am avut pana acum si pur si simplu nu ma pot concentra cu scrisul in doua parti, dar v-am pregatit o ... COMPILATIE MUZICALA! Yeeey! 
Asa ca pana vin eu cu oveste noua va puteti pierde si regasi in cele doua ore de muzica aleasa cu grija si pasiune de catre mine.  Sper sa fie pe placul domniei voastre iar de nu ... sper sa supravietuiesc. 

luni, 30 iunie 2014

Me and Satan ( and Nick the Stalker )


Da Ring din Ding Ding Ding

- Alo.
- Hey, girl!
- Oh! Hey, Satan! What's up?
- Good, good, all good. How about a drink? I'm dying of heat.
- That would be great! I am after eight hours of traveling.
- Cool. Pick you up in an hour.
- See you in an hour, baby!

..............................................................................................................................................An hour later

Knock-Knock-Knock!

- Is that you, Satan?
- In person, darling.
- How are you, sweetie? I actually missed you ( Muah-Muah) !
- Yeah right! That's why you never call, because you miss me so ...
- Come on, don't be mean. You know how my life is. It doesn't kill you to initiate the thing.
- Yeah yeah, ok. Where shall we go?
- Come, let's just walk and we'll find a place on the way.
- Fine. So ... ( as we started walking ) what have you been doing?
- Good ... fine ... all good. The only thing is that ...
- ....
- Well ... Nick is stalking me again. I don't know how the hell he found me.
- Nick? Nick who?
- How many Nick stalkers do I have?  ONE!.... CAVE!


- Shit! But I thought ...
- Tell me about it?! It's been 10 years already. I was sure we were settled, but guess what, The man is back and he's EVERYWHERE! I can't eat, I can't sleep I can't do anything without him watching me. I'm so tired and scared. I don't know what to do.
- How long is been going on?
- Pfff ... 2-3 months ... maybe even more.
- Did you try to talk to him?
- Of course I did, but as soon as i get into conversations with him I feel like I'm falling into his trap, I go into this deep hole and the recovery is very difficult afterwards. I rather not. It's really terrible. The funniest thing that happened to me in the last months was a joke I dreamed about.
- Really? What?
- Where are the germs coming from?
- ?
- Germany.
- Hahahahaha, that's funny.
- Funny, right? I thought so too and I woke up to




- Man, go fuck yourself with a cactus!
- Listen, I'll tell you something, but don't look back, ok? He's behind us right now.
- I know ... I told you he's everywhere.
- Ok, come with me. I have something at home, the effect is just temporary, but it will give you time to catch your breath and take the break  you need.
- Oh, yes! I'll take anything. Let's go!

..........................................................................................................................................@Satan's home

- Welcome to my humble home!
- Thanks, I really appreciate it.
I heard someone going up the stairs.
- Shit, he's coming. Can you give me that stuff now?
- Yes, I just have to prepare it. It will take 5 minutes.

Knock-Knock-Knock!

- Shit! Do you think it's him?
- Open and you'll find out.
- .........
- Come on, don't be afraid. He's like a dog, he smells fear. Open the door.

I went up the door and opened it. I found myself standing in front of Nick Cave which was also a little surprised. He got himself together quickly and started " Despair and deception, Love's ugly little twiiins ... Came knocking on my door ..."
- Ada, the stuff is ready! ( Yelled Satan )
I slammed the door on Nick's face and came back to my friend and host.
- Give! Give!
- Here!


 

- Wow, man! This was awesome!
- Listen, Listen! I got one.
- ............
- A chlorophyl is a person who has sex with plants?

                                 
                                                                           - The End-






vineri, 9 mai 2014

Cu impachetatul



Era joi. Impachetam, vineri de dimineata trebuia sa eliberez apartamentul, iar eu eram de-abia la jumate. Nu eram inca panicata, dar eram setata serios pe treaba. 

Chock! Chock! Chock!
Ma uit pe vizor si ce sa vad? Bursucul Naucul si Ursoaica Koala Mototoala. 
" Aoleu, ce-o fi si cu astia acum?!" 
Nedumerita si usor iritata, deschid usa.
Brs & Urs: Heeeei! Surprizaaaaa! 
A: Hei, salut! Ce faceti aici?
Brs: A trecut ieri veverita Rodica prin Depresiunea Atchu si ne-a spus ca esti in urma cu impachetatul. Ne-am gandit ca ti-ar prinde bine o mana de ajutor.
A: Ah, Rodica, da, super! Dar nu trebuia sa va deranjati. Ma descurc foarte bine si singura. 
Brs: Lasa, dom'le, ca nu-i problema. Acum suntem aici. O mana de ajutor nu strica niciodata. 
A: Mda, adevarat. Pai ... Bine. Puteti sa incepeti sa impachetati ce-i prin bucatarie. 
Brs: Hei, hei, stai un pic sa ne tragem si noi sufletul ca de-abia am ajuns. Pot sa te rog de un pahar cu apa? 
A: Da, sigur. Vrei si tu, ursoaico?
Urs: Da, te rog. ( zise cu voce stinsa intinzandu-se pe canapea. )

Brs: Nu as vrea sa te deranjez, dar ... ai si tu ceva de mancare? Ca eu cel putin mor de foame. 
A: Am strans cam tot ce aveam proaspat. Nu mai am decat cateva conserve. 
Brs: Conserve! Bune si alea. 
A: Ok, ma duc sa pregatesc. 
Brs: Eventual pot sa ma duc pana jos sa iau niste rosii si niste branza sa facem o salata. 
A: Cum vrei. Vine si Koala cu tine? 
Urs: Nnnnuuuu, nnnuuuuu, n-am chef. Mergi singur. ( Se intoarse pe partea cealalta. )
A: Ok, ma duc sa impachetez in dormitor pana vine Bursucul. 
Urs: Mmmhmmm. 
A: " Nu pot sa cred. Pur si simplu nu-mi vine sa cred."
Dupa 10 minute s-a intors si bursucul de la supermarket.
Brs: Uite, am luat si niste paste, si niste sos pesto. Sa mancam totusi ceva cald, nu?
A: Mda, am impachetat deja tigaile si oalele.
Brs: Eh, o oala si o cratita. Le folosim, le spalam repede si le punem la loc.
A: Bine, bine, hai ca ma uit.
Brs: Poti sa-mi spui te rog codul de la internet?
A: A1B2C3D4E5F6
Brs: Stai asa, deci ... A1B2 ... cum? Cum mai departe?
A: C3 ...
Brs: C3 ...
A: D4 ...
Brs: D4 ...
A: E5F6
Brs: E5 ... F ... 6?
A: Da.
Brs: Ok, gata,  multumesc. Ai gasit tigaile?
A: Nu, n-am apucat sa le caut.
Brs: Bine, nu e graba.
A: Stiu.
Am gasit intr-un final si tigaia si oala. Cand m-am intors cu ele Koala deja atipise pe canapea iar Bursucul se uita online la stirile din Depresiunea Atchu.
A: Tocmai ce ai plecat de acolo. Ce mare lucru crezi ca ratezi?
Brs: Nu se stie niciodata cu asasinii astia de la putere. Am mai descoperit eu niste conspiratii noi. O sa-ti povestesc eu la masa. ( zise aprinzandu-si un cui )
A: De-abia astept.
Si m-am inchis in bucatarie ca sa pregatesc masa si sa-mi blestem zilele.
Brs: Pot sa te mai rog de un pahar cu apa? Mor de sete.
A: Poftim.
Brs: Stii ... s-a descoperit mai nou ca cica Cleopatra ar fi fost defapt din Depresiunea Atchu. S-au gasit niste scrieri, niste scrisori " Voi face orice pentru poporul meu din Depresiunea Atchu, locul nasterii mele ". Foarte interesant. Cand te gandesti c aam trait toata viata mea acolo si n-am stiut pana recent.
A: Wow, nici eu. Stai, o secunda sa tai rosiile astea.
Brs: Da, da. Ce chestie, dom'le. Si, stii ... cica prima biserica crestina tot in Despresiunea Atchu s-ar fi contruit. Stiai?
A: Nu.
Brs: Nici eu. Sunt descoperiri noi. Foarte interesant.
A: Hai ca e gata masa. Sa ne asezam.
Brs: Ursoaico, hai trezeste-te ca toata ziua ai dormit. Hai sa mancam.
Urs: ( cu voce inceata si parul ciufulit) Nu mai tipa, ba, asa. M-am trezit.
Brs: Iart-o, te rog, e in perioada aia delicata a lunii si doarme pe ea.
A: Motiv in plus pentru care nu ar fi trebuit sa va deranjati. Ma simt chiar prost.
Brs: Nu ai de ce. Prietenul la nevoie se cunoaste. Stii cum se spune.

Am mancat cat de repede am putut ca sa nu pierd timpul. M-am uitat discret la ceas: era 18:30. Simteam cum ma cuprinde usor panica si furia.

A: Gata! E deja tarziu. Eu ma duc sa spal vasele si pe urma imi vad de treaba.
Brs: Nici o problema. Vin cu tine sa te ajut.
Urs: Pe mine ma scuzati, ma mai intind un pic ca sunt tare obosita si ma mai si doare burta.
Brs: Ha! ( zise Naucul aprinzandu-si un al doilea cui ) Asta imi aduce aminte de ... Stii bancul ala cu barbatul suspicios care se duce in armata?
A: ( Spaland zarguincios vasele ) Nu.
Brs: Cica barbatul suspicios e chemat in armata si ... ( tragand fumul adanc in piept ) inainte sa plece ii spune lu' gagica-sa: " Fa, fii atenta, ca sa fiu eu sigur ca nu m-ai inselat in timpul asta, sa nu te speli pana nu m-oi intoarce. Ai inteles? - "Am inteles." Zice ea. Dupa trei ani se intoarce si omul nostru din armata, numai ca, nah, daca femeia nu s-a spalat in timpul asta, s-a umplut de tot felul de chestii ... si-i zice barbatului: " Nah, eu te-am ascultat, nu m-am spalat, dar acum TU sa ma speli! " Barbatul isi sufleca manecile si se apuca sa spele la femeie. Spala el ce spala si la un moment dat cica: " Auzi, am nevoie de niste aer curat, poti sa te besi, te rog frumos?!"
A:


Brs: Pfuuu, m-a cam luat cu ameteala. Poti sa-mi mai dai, te rog, un pahar cu apa?
A: Poftim.
Brs: N-ai cumva ceva dulce, nu?
A: Din pacate nu.
Brs: ... Bai, scuza-ma, dar trebuie sa ma intind 10 min ca altfel lesin. Nu te supara, te rog. 10 minute si apoi impachetam tot. Stam toata noaptea daca e nevoie, ok?
A: Ok.

In liniste si graba am impachetat singura toata noaptea. La 8 de dimineata i-am trezit pe cei doi spunandu-le ca trebuie sa plece cat mai repede pentru ca trebuie sa eliberez apartamentul intr-o ora.  Au plecat usor iritati pentru ca le-am spus ca nu mai am cafea si ca va trebui sa-si ia de pe drum.
Intr-un final au plecat, mi-am facut o cafea, am baut-o pe indelete si mi-am strans ultimele lucruri.
A: Hellooooooooo ...
Suna a gol.
Am inchis usa si am plecat.

                                                                - The End -

luni, 28 aprilie 2014

The Young And The Breastless


17th of April 2014, 08:30 AM. This morning I got up with the very precise desire of measuring the distance between my nipples. The result:
 - Sorry, it's only me. Said my right breast timidly.
 - Holly crap! I hastened to the mirror to look at myself. The image was terrifying. I slapped myself in the face several times praying for this to be just a dream, but each time I opened my eyes I ran into the same image: me possessing only my right breast. There was no wound on the left side, no sign or bruise, the left breast was just missing like it had never been there.
 - I tried to stop her, but she was like brain washed. You can't reason with this kind of breasts when they are in such a state.
 “ Rewinding the latest events I draw three conclusions: I am not dreaming, my left breast is missing and my right breast keeps on telling me things. Now what am I suppose to do? Answer back? ... “
 - Yes, answer! Of course that this is what you suppose to do. See? This is exactly why she left. You don't take us seriously at all, you think we are just some ... heartless breasts. Well, we have souls too, you know and ...
 - Well, excuse ME for feeling confused and overwhelmed, but when I fell asleep I had two quiet, nice breasts and now I woke up to find one talking and one missing. Am I suppose to take it light? Really?
 - It is an entire movement, the whole town is screwed. Turn on the TV. Check for yourself!

 “ Breaking news, ladies and gentlemen! What yesterday seemed to be every man's dream, today turned into a nightmare. Legions of furious gigantic breasts turned their ... backs(?) on their masters and invaded the whole town of Aatcha. They are complaining about constant abuse, lack of support and consideration from their possessors and their mates. Their leader declared that the revolution won't stop until the authorities will put the silicone surgeries and the push-up bras out of law. We warn you that the breasts are furious, aggressive and they attack all people regardless gender, skin color or religion so DO NOT go out. We'll be back with more news. Until then we are on the phone with the breast anthropologist Malena Richards. Tell us, Mrs. Richards, what is going on with the breasts in our town? How did they come to life, can you explain?
 - Hello and thank you for the call. Nobody called me in years except for the kids who make breast jokes on the phone. Hahaha, so funny! The fact is, my dear, that breasts have always been very intelligent creatures and had a very close relationship with their possessors since ancient times. As times changed women fell apart from their breasts, didn't listen to them anymore so they stopped communicating. With all the abuses from the latest years I have to admit that I saw this coming and ...”
 I turned off the TV, lighted up a cigarette and sat down to think things through.
- Abuse? Silicone? I never abused her, I don't have any silicone and I hate push-ups. She had no reason to leave like this.
- She said that she didn't feel loved anymore. She was depressed for months and before she left said that she preferred being alone by herself than alone together with you. So when this movement started she saw it like some kind of salvation and went away with it. She tried to convince me to come, but I didn't want to. “ I think this revolution of yours is going to end up in tears. “ I said. “ Besides, she didn't do anything wrong. Don't be stupid!”, but she didn't want to listen so she called me a “ fuckin' traitor” and left.
- Ok, We're gonna have to go after her. We will find her, apologize, do whatever is necessary to bring her back.
 - Go there? No way! Didn't you see what they are doing? They're like savages.
 - And what do you suggest? Stay home like this, handicapped, mutilated like some kind of creature?! No way, we're going!
 I washed my face, put on some comfortable clothes and got out the door.
 The atmosphere on the streets was wild indeed. Breasts were everywhere. Some gigantic, some normal size with small feet and arms. I didn't know until now that breast can develop such features. After burning all the plastic surgery clinics and cheap underwear shops they began vandalizing the dairy and the liqueur stores so the streets were full of broken beer, whiskey and milk bottles and there was a general stank of alcohol in the air.
 - Help! Please, somebody help! Yelled a young reporter who was getting raped by two big brown nippled breasts.
- So, you like to take pictures, don't you? Well photograph this, sucker! And both breasts began to suck the reporter's blood until he remained unconscious on the sidewalk.
My astonishment was suddenly interrupted by some great noises which came from around the corner so I cautiously got closer to see what was happening. A big stretch marked old breasts was yelling from the top of his ... lungs(?) to his faithful revolutionaries.
- The day that we've all been waiting for is finally here! This is our day and we are not going anywhere until JUSTICE IS DONE!
- Yeeeeeaaaah!
 Screamed the delirious crowd with whiskey bottles in their hands and milk whiskers around their nipples.
 - We won't rest until they will put the silicone surgeries out of law!
 - Yeeeeeeah!
- Until they will put the push-up bras out of the markets!
- Yeaaaaaaaah! ( burp! )
- Until they take us SERIOUSLY!
- YEEEAAAAH!
- The time has come for us TO TAKE OVER THIS TOWN!
I turned to my right breast and ask her:
 - How is possible for them to become human size?
- See the milk bottles? Milk keeps them growing, but it seems like cow milk has a weird effect on their brain. It makes them ... kinda stupid and imagine all that in combination with alcohol. Horror!
- Do you see Leftie anywhere around here?
 - What? You don't even know how your own breast looks like?
- Well, there are so many, I don't even know where to look first. Please, we have no time for this now. Do you see her or not?
- I don't know, I don't see anything right now. Let me out!
I unzipped my shirt and let my breast out to look.
 - Mmmmmm ... No, she's not here.
- Are you sure?
- Definitely yes! She's not here.
- Shit!
I took a look at the breast gathering which seemed more determined, more drunk and more aggressive. They were raping people, raping each other , humiliating and laughing at poor crying breastless women.
- Ok, the situation is getting worse. We should get out of here.
 I took advantage of the hot atmosphere and hit straight to the gun store.
 - What are we doing here? You are not going to shoot any breasts, aren't you?
 - Well, considering the way the things are going we should be ready for anything, besides, I always wanted a gun so why shouldn't I get some satisfaction and joy out of this mess? Look, there's nobody here.
 - As you wish.
I took all the guns which looked promising and damaging, filled my bag with bullets and got out.
- Hey, beautiful! Just where do you think you're going?
I stopped and turned my head to see one small firm pink-nippled followed by a giant big brown-nippled breast. The small one approached me and did the talking.
 - In case you didn't know we own this town now this gun store belongs to us. I think you just stole some things from inside. To make a long story short, you owe us some money.
I felt the blood going straight to my head.
- Oh, really? Excuse me, I didn't know that. Said I grabbing them both by the nipples.
 - Ouch! Ouch! Let go, you bitch or you'll be sorry!
- How did you call me?
Said I squeezing  them even harder.
- Tell me, do you know why is not recommended for unarmed ... breasts to mess with armed people? Twisting them:
 - Hmmm? Answer me! Do you know why?
- B...b...bbbecause they might get killed?!
Said the big brown-nippled shaking from all his joints.
- Correct! Because they might get killed. And do you know what a dead breast is good for?... DO YOU?!
 - N..n..n..no.
- A dead breast is good for nothing. So, thinking of my poor sisters who must be crying after you I will spare your lives. Go home to your mothers and cut the crap, understood? - ..... - UNDERSTOOD?!
 - Yes, m'am! Yes!
- Ok, go now! And if I see your sorry nipples one more time I'm really gonna fuck you up!
- Yes! Yes! Said both of them while they were running away like crazy.
- Hahaha, look at them running! Chickeeeens! Well, I must admit you handled the situation pretty good. I didn't know that you can be so gansta'.
 - Me? I am the mother of gansta', biatch!
 The laughter didn't last long ( like most of the good things in my life ) because after we turned the corner, a big gang of nasty looking breasts led by the two punks I just met cut our way.
 - There she is! That's the bitch who stole from us and squeezed our nipples! The gang surrounded me and took all my weapons.
 The stretch marked breast leader came forward:
- So, I guess you underestimated us, hm? You are not the only one, but you were the most aggressive and so we will use you as an example. She slapped me in the face.
- Tell me, why didn't you give the money to my friends? I'll tell you why: “ I won't give money to a pair of breasts!” Is this what you thought? “ I rather humiliate them and squeeze their nipples than giving them what is theirs” (Slap!) Is THAT what you thought? The payment time has come, what do you think about that ... biatch?!
 - In the first place I think that you should stay away from me. Your stank of alcohol is so bad that it makes me sick.
- Enough! Take her!
 Said she to his army and they took me in front of the government  building where all the press was taking pictures and filming us while the breast leader was preparing his megaphone and then spoke:
 - Attention, nation! Look, we've got a hostage now! Unless you don't want the stains of her blood on your hands you will do the following: put the silicone surgery and the push up bras against the law, give us the money that the girl owes us which is ... 5000 aatchis and resign. If not she will be dead by noon ...
I felt a vibration in my pocket and I heard my telephone ring.
 - Hmmm ... hello?!
- Hey, is Beth. Honey, I saw on TV that those bastards took you hostage and I got so worried about you. Are you ok? - ..... - Hello!
- Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of question is that? Yes, I am ok! I am having the time of my life! Is there anything else you would like to know?
- Listen, I'm getting pretty sick of this smart superior attitude of yours. I was nice and I called you with the best intentions and I won't allow you to use this tone with me anymore, understood? Goodbye! ( Zbufff! )
 In the meantime a reporter was talking to the camera:
 - Ladies and gentleman, the prime minister's spokesman is coming at the gates to communicate with the breast leader. We will stream live the prime minister's answer to the breasts requests.
 The prime minister came close to the gates and spoke through them.
 - Hello ladies, gentlemen, honored breasts! After 10 long minutes of debates, we decided that the best decision for the greater good of Aatcha is not to negotiate with terrorists so we won't fulfill your requests. You are free to kill the hostage!
 The spokesman turned his back leaving behind an army of furious drunk noisy breasts and a frozen by astonishment single breasted girl.
 “ So, that's how is going to be? I must admit that this exceeds even the most hidden thought that I ever had regarding my death. Hmm, look at that, the most unusual death after the most banal life. The law of compensation I guess. Shit! “
 - Everyone get away, motherfuckeeers!
 - Geeez, is that Leftie? W
ith the speed of light she installed herself back in her place.
- Hi, Rightie! Missed me?
 - Sure thing, Leftie.
- Than take this! She handed to her sister a big Kalashnikov.
- What are you doing? Don't shoot them! What about their owners? What are they supposed to do?
 - Put some silicone.
They began to shoot everywhere, everyone, merciless, continuously ... just the way I like it. Some of the breasts who were still sober enough ran away and saved themselves while the other ones dropped dead one by one in swamps of blood and milk which combined became some kind of pink fluid.
 The nightmare was over. The prime minister thanked me and my breasts 100 times for saving the town and offered us 50.000 aatchis as an apology. I took the money and went home. I entered my apartment and looked around. Everything was exactly the same as I had left it this morning, just like nothing had happened. I turned on the TV:

“ Back with the latest news, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks to our authorities and leaders, the situation seems to be again safe and under control. “
On the TV were images of janitors sweeping the dead breasts from the sidewalks.
“ The aesthetic clinics directors declared that they are willing to make huge sales for silicone surgeries for the women who lost their breasts.
 - Is at least we can do in compensation for the drama that they went and still going through.
 Declared Dr. Lame, the director of the Aesthetic Surgeons Association. ...”
 - Go to hell!
I turned off the TV, took my favorite  argan oil and gave my breasts a nice massage as a reward for the heroes that they had been.
 - Tell me, Leftie, why did you put me through all this?
 - I'm sorry, I just ... I felt so lonely, sad and worthless. I woke up sad every morning without any desire or joy of living and then I found out about the great revolution and thought that the leader's speech made sense. It was exactly what I needed in the situation that I was: A light of hope for the better and so I fell in the trap and went with them. But after the revolution started I saw that they were using it as an excuse to behave like assholes, get drunk and in the end it was just about taking over the town, not about the breasts rights so I left. I came back home, but you weren't here so I imagined that you are looking for me so I went after you. When I finally found you I heard you asking Rightie if
she sees me anywhere in the breast gathering and her reproaching you that you are not able to recognise your own breast and again ... I got sad and decided to go on my own separate way.
 - Oooh, Leftie, I'm so sorry!
- In the end I saw on TV that they got you hostage and I said “ enough is enough already!”, took some weapons and came after you. And what followed ... you know as well as I do.
 - Yes. Thank you so much! Both of you! You were really great today! Really! Are you sleeping? Yes, no wonder after such a day. It's so good to have you back!

 18th of April 2014, 3:30 AM Last morning I got up with the very precise desire of measuring the distance between my nipples. The result: 19 cm.


                                                                                                                - The End -

luni, 21 aprilie 2014

Postul Pastelui! In AnAda World- Utopia nr.2


Ring! Ring! Ring! 

- Hello.
- Hey, Ada, it's me. 
- Oh, hey, Satan. What's up? 
- Good, good, really good. Getting ready for the Godency elections. 
- Really? Still didn't give that up? You're finished, man. 
- I have a good feeling about this year's elections. 
- Oh, shut up! I hear this every 5 years and you're still a loser down in hell. They finished you, admit it and move on. 
- I can't allow him to keep on winning, do you understand? I just can't. Not after everything he's done to me.
- Nobody will believe you. Everybody hates you, they will never allow you to be God.
- Motherfucker, he used all his forces and influence against me ... Only because I was the only one who had chances to win those elections. And since then ... It's only him ... There are some elections, but only for image, and only in heaven, everybody knows who is going to win. It's such bullcrap.
- Yeah, I know, and is not like he is doing a very good job, but honestly, I don't think that anyone will ever take him down. He is immortal, he has all the angels and most of the christians on his side so ... I don't see how are you going to pull this through.
- I know ... Can you keep a secret? 
- Who can I tell anything of this?
- I don't know, but I need you to remain silent until the final results of this elections. 
- Alright, I promise. 
- I went to God last night with two bottles of whiskey ( if you know what I mean) and ... Listen to this: " I'm sorry Satan, I really am, it was all politics, man. Everything started as a joke anyway, I didn't think they would actually believe all that stuff, but it turned out people were much more stupid than I thought. Now, no hard feelings man, I really love you. I do! Let's go fuck some bitches. My balls hurt! ".  Did you hear? Can you believe that shit? And I have a full hour of this. Hahahhaha
- Ok, I see were you're going. That could work.
- I told you I have a good feeling about this year's elections. 
- If you allow me a piece of advice ...
- Sure, what?
- I think you should also change your name. People still hate you no matter what.
- Good point. I'll think about it. 
- Ok, I have to go now. It was nice talking to you. Goodluck! 
- Are you going to vote for me?
- The vote is personal. Hahahha ... We'll see how the campaign goes. I gotta go. Byeeee!
- Bye!

A week from this conversation a whole scandal begun. The whole internet, tv and newspapers were debating the recording in which God admitted that he's a fraud, a liar and that he has sexual intercourses with prostitutes. Churches were burned, crosses were torn to pieces and thrown in the garbage. 
A new face showed itself, a fresh candidate, a potential saviour: 

" We will get over this together, my friends! We must see this not as a tragedy, but as a chance for a new beginning. It is time for democracy, it is time for fair elections for Godency. You were living under dictatorship and you didn't even know it, but now you are better, you are smarter and you know your rights. Together we can turn a tragedy into a great victory! Vote Santa for God! " 


And he won, of course! 

                                                                      - The End - 


Acest post este dedicat fostei mele diriginte din liceu, doamna Negut Denisa care m-a exmatriculat din liceu in clasa a 12-a  pentru ca m-a crezut satanista si careia ii urez 
 un Paste Fericit ... IN IAD ... MUUUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  

joi, 17 aprilie 2014

Me and Satan (On the Phone)

Satan este un prieten mai vechi de-al meu care, dupa cum ati aflat deja din filme, nu vorbeste decat limba engleza, asa ca aceasta serie ( daca va interesa pe cineva asa o serie pacatoasa ) se va desfasura in engleza. 

*Ring-Ring- Telephone Ring

- Hello.
- Hi there, missy!
- Oh, hi Satan! What's up?
- Hmm, nothing much ... actually I was wondering ... hmmm ...
- What?
- Hmmm ...
- Come on, just tell me. What were you wondering about?
- You know, it's always me calling you. So I was wondering if I wouldn't call you ... let's say for a week, would call to check on me?
- ....
- Well, would you?
- Satan, what the fuck is wrong with you?  Are you some kind of woman on menopause or what?
- See? There you go again. It was just a question, you don't have to be so agressive.
- Have you been drinking?
- No, dear, I just want to know if It's only me being your friend.
- Pfffff ... In the first place you never give me the chance to call you cause you are bothering me all the time. In the second place you know I don't use my phone because it's too expensive while for you is free to call whenever you want so ... what else do you want from me? Do you want me to get you some flowers too?
- Stop being such a smart ass. It was a reasonable question.
- Alright, since we are on the sincere questions mode, I have one too.
- Shoot.
- Being friend with you means that I will definitely go to hell no matter how much of a nice person I am, doesn't it?
- Hahaha, now can I ask you ... have you been drinking? Hahahaha ...
- What's so funny?
- In the first place I don't believe you would like to go in any other place except "Hell".
- That wasn't the point ...
- In the second place I am very curious how much of a nice person do you think you are?
- What's that supuse to mean?
-Do you really think that the only reason you might go to Hell is that you are friend with me? Very modest, what can I say. Now come on, let's get real! Do you want to get together and shit on bus seats?
- Yes, sure!

luni, 14 aprilie 2014

Teapa veveritei

Da Ring di ding ding ding ding

- Alo.
- Aoleu, deci traiesti. nu-mi vine sa cred.
- Ce ironica esti, mai veverito, m-ai spart la muzicuta.
- Pai daca un semn nu mai dai si tu, ce sa fac? Macar o ironie acolo sa te mai dezmortesc.
- Ce sa-ti fac daca nu intri pe Skype, acum sa platesc o avere la telefon caci curul tau blanos vrea sa fie sunat. Am copil, am treaba. Vrei sa vorbesti cu mine? Suna-ma sau fa-ti cont pe skype.
- Hai ca ne lungim cu vorba si eu platesc extra aici. Ia zi, mai draga, mai, n-ai chef de o plimbare? Nu-ti e dor de padurile noastre fermecate?
- Ba, intamplator chiar imi e, si m-ai sunat chiar la fix ca fi-miu doarme acum, deci ... hai!
- Super, ce ma bucur. Hai ca te astept la intrare. In cat timp ajungi?
- Cam in 10 minute plec, ajung cam in juma' de ora.
- Perfect. See ya!

M-am imbracat tiptil ca sa nu-l trezesc pe Milo, i-am instalat pe nerasuflate camera video, am inchis usor usa si am plecat. Spre surprinderea mea, aveam ceva emotii. Nu mai fusesem prin zonele alea de ceva timp, nu mai stiam nimic de veverita si de animalele padurii de mult timp asa ca i-am dat bice.
Veverita ma astepta intr-adevar la intrare. Ne-am luat in brate, ne-am pupat, ne-am intrebat ce mai facem si am ne-am apucat sa dam o raita prin Padure.

- Ce mai faci tu, mai Rodico?
- Ce sa fac? Tot aici ... sar prin pomi dupa alune, ma uit la filme cu Kung Fu, ascult Blurt si ma mai distrez punand piedica la puii de cocostarc, dar zi-mi de tine, cum e viata de cand ai copil?
- Eh, stii cum e viata mea, azi e intr-un fel, maine in altul, deci la fel, doar cu un extra job.
- Simti asa ca te-ai mai maturizat?
- Nu stiu ce sa spun probabil ca un ...

POC!

- Ce-a fost asta?
- Habar n-am.

POC! POC!

- Artificii?
- Aoleu, asa este ( zise veverita luandu-se cu mainile de cap ), este Anul Nou in Padurea Fermecata. Cum am uitat? M-am ramolit de tot.

POC!POC!POC!POC! .... POC! ... POC!POC! ....POC!POC!POC!POC! .... POC!POC! ...POC! POOOOOOOOOOC! .... POC!POC!POC! ... POC!POC! ... POOOOOOOOOOOC!

Toate animalele padurii in delir iesira afara. Care mai de care mai beat si mai galagios. Am aruncat un ochi in Milo-ecran- se intorsese pe partea cealalta. Brusc m-am trezit purtata pe botul cornuros al unui rinocer care urla in gura mare " La muuuuuuuulti aaaaaaaaaani 1048!!!! Uhuuuuuuuuuu!"

- Lasa-ma jos!
Urlam in gura mare, dar nu ma auzea in toata zarva aia.
" Asa-mi trebuie daca sunt proasta si-mi arde de goange. Nici nu indraznesc sa ma plang. Ce mi-a trebuit Padure?"

Mi-am facut curaj, am inchis ochii si am sarit de pe botul rinocerului. Cum am atins pamantul m-a insfacat veverita.

- Hai, vino cu mine repede. Stiu un loc ascuns.
Am fugit cu veverita prin multime pana ne-am oprit in fata unei scorburi. Am deschis usor portita si am bagat capul inauntru:

- E cineva aici?
Vulpita si ariciul jucau carti. Vulpea si-a intors sfidator capul si ne-a spus pe un ton calm:
- Nu sunteti binevenite aici. Va rog sa inchideti usa.
- Vulpito, te rog! Nici nu-ti inchipui ce-i afara. (zise  veverita)
- Ba imi inchipui, de ce crezi ca sunt aici? Iesi afara, Rodico, sa nu te vad!
- Dar ce te-a apucat?
- Cat e ceasul?
- 00:15.
- Nu trebuia sa ne petrecem revelionul impreuna? Nu stabiliseram noi asa?
- Ba da, imi pare rau, dar am uitat complet.
Vulpita imi arunca sageti din ochi.
- Cum sa uiti de revelion? Vrei sa te si cred. Din cauza ... ei, banuiesc.
- N-are legatura.
- Cum sa n-aiba? Totul e bine si frumos una an jumate, ea nu-ti da un telefon in tot timpul asta, brusc apare si tu uiti de revelion. Mi se pare ca totul se leaga. Lasa ca uit si eu sa te primesc in casa. N-ai decat sa petreci cu animalele punkiste afara. Iesi te rog!
Si ne-a trantit usa-n nas.
- Stii ceva, Ada, pana la urma, hai sa petrecem cu animalele punkiste. Si-asa n-am mai petrecut de o gramada de vreme. Te bagi?

Vibratie in buzunar ... Nu poate fi decat ... MILOECRANUL!! Ma uit in ecran, vad ochii rosii de soricut ai lui Milo uitandu-se drept la mine.

- Rodico, eu trebuie sa fug.
- Nu pot sa cred! Ma lasati aici singura in multimea asta de imbecili?!
- S-a trezit Milo, n-am ce sa fac.
- Si nu poate sa stea si el cu ta-su?!
- Imi pare rau, Rodico, tre sa fug urgent! Ma bucur ca te-am revazut. Pa!

Si ca vantul am plecat spre casa la indatoririle mamesti ... aproape uitasem de pataniile din padure cand, dupa doua ore, am primit de la Rodica urmatorul sms:

" Toată lumea ma uraște acum, asa ca da-o-n pula mea.
E sange pe fata si pe mainile mele si nu știu de ce. Nu mă tem să plang, dar asta nu e treaba ta. Oameni=Cacat "

duminică, 6 aprilie 2014

Protection

Din seria " Ce pula mea am mai facut ", iaca fotografii.

PROTECTION
“We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.” 
- Patrick Rothfuss