Jiddu

 

Acum o saptamana m-a sunat prietena mea Dana sa ma invite in oras. Imi e si rusine sa spun de cand nu mai iesisem iar timpul petrecut cu Dana e mereu quality time. Bucurosa si curioasa sa vad daca ma mai tin balamalele la o noapte de scandal, am acceptat. 

Nu am nevoie de alcool sau droguri ca sa ma simt bine, doar de muzica potrivita. Intamplarea (si norocul) a facut ca in acea noapte sa le am avut pe toate la momentul si cantitatea potrivita, drept pentru care am discutat, ras si dansat toata noaptea. A fost intr-adevar ca pe vremuri, daca nu chiar mai bine. 

Dupa club am oprit un taxi la intamplare si ne-am hotarat sa mergem la Dana acasa pentru "afterparty". Fericite si buimace in taxi ne-am apucat sa dam note la filozofi. 

Dana: ... Kant?

Eu: "If the truth kills them, let them die"- Ii dau un .... 8?

Dana: Nietzsche?

Eu: 9

Dana: Krishnamurti?

Incercand sa ma gandesc la un calificativ corect mi-am plimbat ochii de jur imprejurul masinii. Si cazandu-mi ochii pe sofer tresar:

Eu: Va cunosc!

Soferul mimand uimirea razand. 

Soferul: Aoleu! Serios?

Eu: Da! v-am vazut pe Youtube. Sunteti baiatul ala care a fost agent CIA. 

Ma intorc catre Dana cu zambetul pana la urechi: 

Eu: Stii, nu? Agentul ala CIA cu parul mare ... de s-a dus la toate podcasturile

Dana: Serios? 

Dana se uita in oglinda retrovizoare si soferul ii face cu ochiul in oglinda razand. 

Dana: Doamne, cum se poate?! Sunteti chiar el?!

Soferul zambind si mimand un soi de modestie. 

Soferul: Da, da, eu sunt. 

Eu: Ce faceti aici? 

Soferul: In timpul liber sunt taximetrist. Imi place sa conduc si sa cunosc oameni asa ca am zis ca macar sa-mi iasa un ban din asta. Asa sunt eu, mai pragmatic. 

Eu: Extraordinar. Si ... sunteti din Bucuresti?

Soferul: Craiova. 

Eu: Forta Stiinta! 

Soferului i se lumineaza brusc ochii si imi arunca un zambet larg. 

Soferul: Oleeeee!

Dupa o scurta pauza Soferul continua: 

Soferul: Auziti, cui tot dadeati note mai devreme? Cine e Muti-Muti ala? N-am mai auzit. 

Razand una la alta:

Dana: Krishnamurti. A fost un filozof indian. 

Soferul: Ah, interesant. Si despre ce filozofa?

Dana: Despre mai multe lucruri: libertate, fericire.  

Eu: Dar un anumit tip de fericire. Un soi de fericire care vine din capacitatea de a fi constient si prezent, nu fericirea aia pe care o simtim cand mergem in club. 

Soferul: Inteleg. Inteleg perfect Uite, eu de exemplu, simt fericirea aia cand merg la cazino. 

Dana.  (zambind in coltul gurii)  Tind sa cred ca nici asta nu e fericirea la care se referea Krishnamurti, dar nu vreau sa va contrazic. 

Soferul: Eu doar acolo sunt complet prezent si fericit indiferent daca castig sau pierd. E unul aici dupa colt. N-ati vrea sa ne oprim 10 minute? 

Ma uit la Dana, Dana la mine si zambind catre sofer:

Amandoua: Hai! 

Soferul: Genial! 

Soferul parcheaza masina si ne indreptam spre marele cazino. 

Soferul: Ati mai fost? 

Eu: Am fost o singura data cand aveam vreo 18 ani. Am fost pentru ca stiam ca acolo se dau tigari gratis. Am  jucat un pic de Black Jack si am calcat pe nervi niste chinezi.  

 Dana: Eu nu am fost niciodata. 

Soferul: E foarte frumos. O sa vedeti. E o alta lume.

Deasupra usii de la intrare era o pancarta luminoasa pe care scria: " Casino Bond" iar dedesubt: "Transforma-ti visele in bani!"

Am simtit un gol in plex si parca mi-a pierit cheful pe loc.  

Eu: Stiti ceva? Cred ca m-am razgandit. Nu vreau sa intru. 

Dana: Fix acum te-ai razgandit? Iar incepi cu fazele tale. 

Eu: Ma ia cu fiori.Nu vreau sa intru. 

Dana: Eu cred ca o sa fie fun. Hai sa mergem. 

Eu: Nu vreau. 

Soferul: Ce e, domnisoara, va e frica? 

Eu: Nu. Pur si simplu nu vreau sa intru. Nu inteleg de ce trebuie sa ma explic atat. 

Dau sa plec, dar cum ma intorc sa fac cativa pasi, din directia opusa vine o femeie cu doi dobermani fiorosi asa ca ma intorc la cei doi tovarasi de calatorie.  

Dana: Gata, draga? Te-ai linistit?

Eu: Se pare ca n-am de ales. 

Asa ca am intrat. 

O tanara amabila cu parul blond prins in coada si cu gene false la ochi se apropie de noi. Avea un ecuson in piept pe care scria "Ecaterina". 

Ecaterina: Buna seara. Ma scuzati, buna dimineata! Bine-ati venit. Pot sa va servesc cu ceva? 

Soferul: 50 de Chivas, va rog. 

Dana: La fel ca domnu'. 

Eu: Un pachet de Marlboro rosu. 

Ecaterina: Sigur. 

Soferul: Asta da viata, dom'le. 

Zise satisfacut Soferul uitandu-se cu emotie in jur

Eu catre Dana: Aoleu! Uita-te in stanga la masa din spate. 

Dana: Oh, shit!

Erau Oana si Luca. Un cuplu pe care il cunosteam tangential printr-un grup mai mare de prieteni. Mentionez ca aceasta intalnire nu fusese prilej de mare bucurie. Ne puteam face oare ca nu i-am vazut?

Oana ne vede si cu o incantare exagerata ii atrage atentia lui Luca. Entuziasmati ne fac cu mana. Le facem si noi.  

Oana isi ia bautura si alearga spre noi, cum ajunge langa mine se impiedica si-mi varsa bautura pe haine. Simt un nod in gat. 

Oana isi cere scuze in repetare randuri si incearca sa repare pocinogul. 

Eu: Nu mi-o lua in nume de rau, dar esti incredibil de proasta.  

Oana: De ce vorbesti asa? A fost un accident. N-am vrut, serios. 

Luca vede accidentul si se repede catre noi: 

Luca: Ce s-a intamplat?

Oana: Am varsat bautura in greseala pe ea si acum ma jigneste de parca as fi facut-o intentionat. 

Luca o imbratiseaza pe Oana in timp ce-mi arunca flacari din ochi. 

Eu: Degeaba te uiti asa la mine, prietena ta e o imbecila!

Luca: Vezi ca te bat! 

Eu: Hai sa mori tu, pampalaule! 

Dana catre mine: Hai, termina si tu! Aia e. Scuze, Luca! A avut o zi mai nasoala. 

Luca si Oana pleaca la masa lor aruncandu-ne cate o privire urata cand si cand.  

Ecaterina: Comanda dumneavoastra. 

I-am multumit frumos Ecaterinei, am scos o tigara din noul pachet si am aprins-o. 

Eu: Ce ciudat. N-am mai fumat de 10 ani, dar zici ca am stins ultima tigara acum 10 minute. Unde e Soferul?

Dana: E la masa de Poker de cand am venit. E foarte concentrat. Cred ca va trebui sa ne gasim alt taxi. 

Eu: Sunt foarte obosita. M-a enervat vaca aia de Oana cu tot cu prostul ei. Nu mai am chef sa stau. Am venit pentru tigari oricum ... Si sa vad fericirea Soferului. 

Dana: Da, si mie mi-e somn. Mergem. Daca vrei, putem chiar sa facem o plimbare pana acasa. Cine stie de ce taximetrist mai dam?

Eu: Ok, hai! 

Cand am iesit afara era deja noapte din nou. 

Dana: Cum se poate? Credeam ca nu am stat mai mult de jumatate de ora.

Eu:  Ce facem?

Aud un zgomot in spate si cand intorc capul il vad pe Sofer.

Soferul: Plecati asa fara sa spuneti nimic, mai fetelor?

Eu: Pareati cu adevarat fericit acolo si nu am vrut sa va deranjam. 

Soferul: Ete na! Trebuia sa-mi spuneti. Mi-ati purtat noroc, am castiat.

Eu: Felicitari! 

Soferul: Hai! Mergem la masina? Va duc acasa?

Dana: Da. 

Ne asezam in masina si cand pornim tresar. Imi vine o idee. 

Eu: Auziti, nu vreti sa mergem la mare?

Soferul: Unde vreti, acolo mergem. 

Dana: Majoritatea decide. Ma conformez. 

Dand drumul la radio:  

Soferul: Asa, mai, fetelor, spuneti-mi si mie ce mai zice Papituti ala al vostru?

Eu:  Ca e bine sa ne ferim sa tragem concluzii. ca o minte vie e o minte libera mereu curioasa. 

Soferul: Bravo! 10! Va deranjeaza daca dau muzica mai tare?

Eu: Va rog.   

 

 

                                                   - The End -  

 

 

 

 

 

Life Among The Flowers

 

 

  

(Characters: 

Margaret= MA

little margarets= LiMa

Lilly=LI )

 

In the beginning there was Margaret. She came here first. It has been her territory for more that 10 years already. She was happy here. Big Margaret with her little margarets surrounded by trees, fresh grass and loooots of space. Life was soo good. But one day ... she felt a different fragrance in the air ... it felt odd, very strange indeed. 

MA: Hey there! Can we please check quicly for intruders?

LiMa: Yes, mam, (said the little Margarets.) 

They sent a message through the underground that traveled through and through and ... guess what they found ... An intruder ... indeed there was one. Little Margarets hurried towards the corrupted zone where they met some weird creature.

 LiMa: Oh, my God, it stinks here. (Said one of the margarets) What is this? You (she pointed out to the strange thing) who are you? 

LI: Hello! I am so glad to see that there is someone else here. I was feeling so lonely. Nice to meet you. I am Lilly.

 LiMa: Lilly! (said the outraged little Margaret) ... Lilly, dear, you are not welcomed here. You better find yourself some other place to hang out and do your thing because this is Margaret's land. 

 LI: But where am I supposed to go? I've been traveling long and hard and felt quite nice here. Looks like there is plenty of space for all of us. Can't I stay here, please? 

LiMa: Absolutely not! Wait till Big Margaret finds out about all this. I don't know what will come out of you. She will go mad. Mad! Mad! Mad!

 LI: Who is Big Margaret?

 LiMa: Oh, only the master of these surroundings. She is the one who was here in the beginning. All this belongs to her. She hates intruders so she will definetely hate you. 

LiMa(2) & LiMa (3): Definetely hate, yes. Hate to the core, yeah. She will want you dead, yeah. 

LI: I am sure that if she will get to know me, she will feel better. There is nothing really to hate about me. I am nice, considerate, fun and in the end I am a flower just like her. 

LiMa: Oooh, don't even think telling her such nonsense. She is the best flower there is ... all other flowers are just stupid and stinky. So, please, if you ever meet her, even though I doubt you will, just shut up and don't even dare to adress her. I think the best thing you could do is to go back to where you came from, honestly.

LI: But I like it more here. There's much more space, the grass is greener, the trees are amazing, I already befriended some nice bees and things seemed to be going well for me. 

LiMa: Whaat?!?! Bees?! Oh, no, this is outrageous. This is exactly what we need, to mix our nice pure margaretian genes with these lilly smelly primitive genes. Listen, this is your last warning: Go back to where you came from or you will regret it. 

LI: Listen, you arrogant bitch, I was friendly and happy to meet you. Since we've met you did nothing, but bitching around and saying stupid things. Listen, I will stay right here. If your Big Ass Margaret or whatever her name is wants to come here to talk to me, let her do so. I am not afraid of her or of you. You can all go fuck yourselves for all I care and now go! Go to your precious master and leave me alone. I was nice and happy before you arrived.

LiMa: Oh my God, such awful words! I only heard such profanities from the bugs squirming deep underground. We will go for now, but preapare! Prepare for war. This is not YOUR land and you WILL go. 

LI: Fuck off! 

LiMa: Outrageous! Let's go little margarets, BUT, we will be back!

As the little margarets were walking back to their master they were debating the latest events thus:

LiMa(1): Wait until Big Margaret hears about this. I can't wait to see that little ... tramp ... away from here .... even dead for all I care ... 

LiMa(2): Little Margaret, wait! Let me look at you. Oh, my, you became red. You have to keep calm. You shouldn't lose your composure like that just because of some commoner. We have to stay white and beautiful. Don't let that Lilly get to you like that. That's exacty what she wants. To make us angry, you know? Not to think straight. 

LiMa(1): Did you hear how she talked to us? What she said about our dearest Big Margaret? That little insignificant brat! That ... That ... I don't even know how to call her in order not to go down to her level.

LiMa(2): Come on, breathe with me a little. Let's go : iiiiin .... and ooooooout. iiiiiin and ooooooout ...

LiMa1 was following the guidance of LiMa2: "Hiiiiiiiiiiii ... Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa ... Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii ... Haaaaaaaaaaaa ... " and slowly recomposed herself. 

LiMa(1): I am feeling better. Thank you, sister. Sorry for getting angry like that.

LiMa(2): It's ok. It's normal. 

  Soon they arrived back to Big Margaret. The little margarets hurried to her. 

LiMa(1): Dear Big Margaret, I am afraid we have some terrible news.

MA: What? I've been so worried about you. What happened? 

LiMa: We have an intruder. It's another flower ... her name is Lilly and she is ... purple. 

MA: What? What? What?! How long has she been here? 

LiMa: We don't know. She has been enjoyng the fresh grass, the trees and .... And ... 

MA: Aaaand? don't tell me that ...

LiMa: I am affraid that .... 

MA: Did she? ...Mingle with the bees? 

LiMa: I am afraid so. 

MA: HOW COULD SUCH A THING HAPPEN??? Where you all sleeping or what? How come nobody noticed this? 

LiMa: I don't know, mistress. I really don't. 

MA: This OUR or lands! We were here first. These are OUR resources. OUR trees, OUR freakin' bees.These lands are for White Margarets only. What will happen to our traditions?! This is the end of our civilisation. This land will be full of lillies now. Do you understand? The end! No more Margarets. We will all be Lilly Margarets now and ultimately there will be just Lillies. It is over for us.We must defend our right at all costs.

 LiMa1 and Lima2 began crying loudly on each other's shoulder:

 LiMa(1) & LiMa(2): Ihihit's oover! Huhuhu, why must life be so cruel? We were such beautiful flowers and now ... huhuhuhu ... It's ohohoveheher! Good, bye, my dear sisters and mothers: huhuhuhu 

MA: Stop crying, you imbeciles! What did you tell to this Lilly? 

LiMa: We told her to leave, but she refused. She said she doesn't care because she likes it here and she is not affraid of anything, not even of you. 

MA: Oh really? Is that what she said? Please prepare the guns. I will make my choice and go pay this Lilly a visit. If she doesn't understand dialog, she will definetely understand violence. Muahahahahaha! Everybody understand violence. 

LiMa: As you wish, boss. I will do that imediately. 

The little margarets prepared the royal guns and lay them in line before Big Margaret. She took a close look at them , one by one, but still setlled for the AK47 because it is the coolest and she was going for dat Bin Laden look. She grabbed the gun and headed towards the intruder with her two little margarets by her side. 

 Lilly was bathing in Rose petals and singing when suddenly she heard a voice from the back:

MA: Are you Lilly? She turned around and saw Big Margaret with a gun pointed at her. 

LI:Yes, I am Lilly. (She replied calmly)  I guess you are Big Margaret. I heard about you. If we would've met a few hours ago I would've told you that I am very happy to meet you and that I hope we can be friends, but I guess that it is not a possibility anymore. 

MA: Damn right, it isn't. Please pack your stuff and be on your way. Or else .... 

LI: Or else what? Are you going to kill me with that? 

MA: You can bet on that, missy. This place is not for the likes of you so get out! 

 LI: I am not going anywhere. You are! 

MA: I wouldn't be so funny if I would have a gun pointed at me. 

LI: Oh, Margaret, sorry for being rude, I forgot to introduce you to my good friends: Rose and her Lil Army Of Roses. Rose got out from under the water in Lily's bathtub and the Lil Army Of Roses came out from all over the place surrounding the margarets,.

Lilly looked straight into Margaret's eyes and said calmly:

LI: Oh, yeah, of course, they all have guns as well, they are roses after all. (she laughed sweetly then suddenly got serious again) So .., what's it gona be, Margaret? 

Margatert looked around. The number of roses and guns far surpassed her little margarets. They didn't stand a chance.  everybody understands violence, right?  Margaret got a sudden big smile on her face, threw away the gun and said happily to Lilly.

MA: Oooh, that old thing? It is not even working. It was just a joke. I came here to welcome you and your friends, of course, to our neighbourhood. I am sure that through dialog and mutual understanding we will manage to make a better place together. Dear Lilly, me the Big Margaret and the little margarets all wish you a warm welcome into our family (Said Big Margaret exhuberantly) 

Understanding the game, Lily smiled and replied:

 LI: Oh, that's so nice of you. I am so glad to be here. It's lovely to be surrounded by such nice beautiful nature and neighbours. Now, if you don't mind, I would like to finish my bath. 

MA: Oh, but of course, of course. I am so sorry. I didn't want to retain you for so long. We will be on our way now. 

LI: Ok. Bye bye! 

MA: Bye! Bye! 

Margaret walked away and turned towards the little margarets: 

MA: I hate that fuckin' bitch! 

 Lilly, relaxed in her bathtub and said to Rose: 

LI: I hate that fuckin' bitch! 

 

                                                                            - The End-

Spasm spaniol

 

Cand mi-am adus aminte de casti era deja tarziu. Le uitasem in club. Futu-i!
Text message: ME: Salut! Ati gasit cumva o pereche de casti albastre SONY?
Reply. THE CLUB: Nu. Imi pare rau.
Futu-i!
---------------------
Cand a venit trenul mi s-a facut pofta sa merg pe jos asa ca am coborat pe plaja si am luat-o incet spre casa.
Imi place drumul asta. Nu ma plictisesc niciodata de el. Sunetul marii, vantului, liliecilor.
La inceput imi era frica de lilieci, evitam multe strazi care m-ar fi dus mai curand acasa de teama lor si acum aproape ca-mi intra in ochi si nu ma sperii.
Mi-am taiat de pe lista multe spaime.
Prieten sau dusman? "Prieten"

Mda, normal. De parca dusmanul ar recunoaste ca-i dusman.
 

Am chef sa ma intind pe plaja si sa ma uit la stele. As asculta niste muzica, dar mi-am pierdut castile. As spune o gluma, dar n-am cui. As urla, dar n-am la cine. 

Auzi, Count Dracula, fii atent: why did the tomato blush? He saw the salad dressing. Lol Stai aici cu mine sa ne uitam in zare? Ai umeri? mi-i arati? Pot sa-mi pun capul pe unul dintre ei? Asa, multumesc.

O poezie despre dimineata mea si alta despre pasiunea mea

 

Poezie despre ce dimineata mea

 

Cand am deschis ochii era inca noapte

Am adormit inapoi gandindu-ma la moarte

Cand m-a trezit Milo gandul era deja terminat

Planul de batranete si moarte atent trasat. 

La baie m- am privit in oglinda. 

"Still hot" mi-am spus facandu-mi cu ochiul

"Not for much longer" , mi-am calmat orgoliul. 

Am fiert ovaz urmand rutina

Ma suna Marga, nu raspund " Mai spala putina"

Nu am chef astazi de prostii amoroase

Asa ca stau in pat si-mi exersez abilitatile desteptacioase. 

Dar ce vad? Deja nu mai e dimineata

Inchei aceasta corvoada

Despre a mea dimineata si cuvinte ce se potrivesc in coada. 

Limerick despre pasiunea mea

Zambiti, va rog! Da, da, aici la aparat.

Aratati suberb. Gata, am terminat!

Din cand in cand scriu, cititi?

Ah, si am spectacol maine, veniti?

Am multe pasiuni, dar mai am de incercat.

Dialogues: Me and God On Car Racing And Freedom

 

This morning my whole body was aching for adventure. I didn´t quite know what to start with. I was pondering between car racing and sky diving. 

"Today is the day!" I thought to myself. "I will do it. Today I´ll fly. Sky diving it is". 

I tried to call, but got the number wrong ... several times. 

"What the ..."

I tried again and finally managed to talk to someone.

Sky Diving Center Person: I am sorry but we are fully booked for today. I can make you an appointment in about two weeks. Would that suit you?

Me: Pffff! Isn´t it possible to squeeze one tiny person before?

Sky Diving Center Person: No, I am sorry. Should I make the booking?

Me: Two weeks is a very long time. How can I book something two weeks from now? What if I die until then?

Sky Diving Center Person: Even though I hope that won´t be the case, I might say you´ll be doing plenty of sky diving then. 

Me: Go to hell, lady!

I hung up the phone and searched for a car racing center and got an appointment. Full of anticipation I got dressed and ran out the door.

(telephone) Ring! Ring!

It was God. I had a vague feeling on what that was about so I didn´t answer and went on my way, took a cab and hit for the center. 

Cab driver: So, where are you going, nice lady?

Me: Car racing. 

Cab driver: How interesting. Are you a good driver?

Me: Not really, but I´ll manage. 

Cab driver: It is not easy. There are many things to look out for. Especially on that speed. 

Me: Yeah! Yeah! I know. The acceleration, the breaks ... I´ll manage. 

Cab driver: Would you like me to give you a little tutorial before?

Me: No, thanks. I am an improviser. I´ll get the hang of it in no time.

Cab driver: You can die, you know? 

Me: Don´t we all, sir? ( Said I on THAT annoying tone)

Cab driver: Who is calling you so insistently? 

Me: Oh, just some guy that keeps bothering me precisely when I am about to have some fun. 

Cab driver: There we are, miss. It will be 25€. 

Me There you go. Thank you!

Cab driver: Enjoy!

I got out of the taxi and there He was, right at the entrance of the center. 

Me: Hey! Listen, I know what you are going to say, but I am really set on doing this now and I´ll be careful, I promise. 

God: Darling, how about we spend the day sitting on the grass, smelling the flowers, watching the birds and the bees?

Me: "Darling", I don´t want to sit on the grass. I want to do car racing. 

God: I really think you should reconsider the grass sitting option, my dear. Let´s relax!

Me: Ok, listen! We´ll do the whole grass sitting extravaganza after the race, ok? Now move away!

God to Himself: " Fuck free will."

I got in, paid (a lot) for my fun, choose a shinny red car, put on my helmet and went inside. 

Race Car Center Guy: Have you ever done this before?

Me: No. 

Race Car Center Guy: Do you have a drivers license? 

Me: No. 

Race Car Center Guy: Ok, then I should go with you. Do you know how to drive a car?

Me. Vaguely. 

Race Car Center Guy: I will definitely come with you then.

Me: Ok. 

He entered the car and sat on my right. 

Race Car Center Guy: Look, that pedal is the acceleration.

Me: Ah, good. 

Race Car Center Guy: And this ... Hey!

He tried to explain some more, but it was too late because I pressed the pedal and banged the car straight in the wall in front of us in less than 3 seconds. 

My head was bumpy, I could barely feel my legs, belly and chest. I looked at the Race Car Center Guy that had a red-blue-ish eye. 

Race Car Center Guy: Are you fuckin´crazy, lady? What do you think you are doing? I hope you have insurance. This car is really expensive. 

Me: Actually I don´t. 

Race Center Guy: How can you go around without an insurance? And more ... come here?! 

Me: You see, I´m hardcore and against the system so I couldn´t possibly have things like that on me. I have principles. 

Race Center Guy: Can you move? Let´s go to the office and I´ll let you know how much those principles of yours will cost you.  

Me: God! God! Are you here? God? I am in big trouble! Please come! God! GOD!

Race Center Guy was outside estimating the damage on the car which was about ....

Me: WHAT?! But I will never have this amount of money! 

Race Center Guy: Lady, what were you doing here without an insurance and drivers license? 

Me: Looking for an adventure. ( Said I crying, but the salty tears were making the wounds on my face hurt even more. )

Race Center Guy: Well, there you have it. You have one month to pay it. Good luck! Now, please, leave the center. 

Full of blood and with no money, I limped all the way home and, as I entered my apartment, there He was relaxing on the sofa. 

God: Hey, beautiful! Is everything ok? You look a bit off. 

Me: You! You! It´s all your fault! You always do this to me! You never let me have it! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Go away! At least leave me alone! 

God: Does the grass sitting idea seem more appealing to you now? Come! Let´s go!

Me: (blowing my nose) With the Divine Transportation?

God: Sure! Why not?

Warm shinny light fell over us and we rode waves of happiness and bliss all the way to a most beautiful meadow by the lake. I looked at all the beauty around and burst into tears. God kissed my forehead. 

God: Come on, little girl. It´s all good. 

Me: ( Screaming ) WHY? WHY? What´s the point of all this? Sometimes it all feels like a bad joke. 

God: What is it that you want, little girl?

Me: Freedom, God, that´s what I want! Freedom!

God: Oh, realy? Is that really what you want? That is what I am giving you, my dear, you just can´t see further than the tip of your nose. That´s not My fault.How can you ever dream of freedom when you are all bound by physicality, matter, hormones, emotions, moods. What freedom are you talking about? 

Me: Then why did You give them to me? Why put me in this body and give me all these desires, all these urges?! What´s the catch? Let me guess:" in order to overcome them."

God: How else can it be a true temptation and a true overcoming, my love?

Me: That´s just cruel. And you stole that line from Jung. 

God: I don´t even know why I bother, but you are not talking about freedom, my love. I am offering you precisely what (you say) you want: freedom, but you are actually telling me that you want to be a slave to your senses, that is the opposite of freedom. See the irony? Look around you. I bust My ass to give you the most beautiful life, all this splendor. Look at that orange flower, look at that frog, feel the wind on your face. Do you feel it? Do you hear it´s song in your ears? Is it My fault that you block everything for your morning moods? Don’t you see you’re stupid?! Freedom is not what you think, neither the truth that you take so much pride in seeking, neither consciousness. This is serious stuff, baby. 

Me: (looking at my toes) Well, if you put it like that … Shit! How am I going to get the money for the Race Car Center?!

God: Here, take a puff of this joint, have a sip of this wine! We’ll figure it out, honey love! 

As we sat down in the grass, I held His hand I felt to the bone the fact that I will probably experience true freedom only in death and I stopped being afraid. His love felt overwhelming.

God: Bare with it. Just hold it in. (He said and so I did)

 

                                                                        - The End- 

 

Me and God

 

God: Ada? ... Ada!

Ada: Who is there? Satan? Is that you?

God: No, it´s Me.

Ada: Me who?

God: God.

Ada: Oh, shit! Really? 

God: Really.

Ada: Have I done something wrong? Am I dying?

God: Everybody is constantly doing something wrong and no, you are not dying (yet). Just wanted to hang out. 

Ada: Oh! ... Sure! Ok. So ... what´s up?

God: Do you have something to drink?

Ada: Just some lousy vodka. Should we have some shots? 

God: What the hell, bring it on!

Ada: Righto!

( Full of delight I went in the kitchen and brought two small  shot glasses and a bottle of shitty vodka. There is a special kind of happiness surrounding me when I serve shots. I poured one for me and one for God. )

Ada: Do you know how to drink it?

( God lifted His right eyebrow and looked at me with great disappointment. Then He lifted up the glass and said ... )

God: Here´s to us! Bottoms up!

Ada: To us! Love forever!

(We emptied the glasses and spited fire.)

God: What about some music? 

Ada: Sure!

 

God: Aaaah. Sweet music to my ears. Hits the spot, missy. 

Ada: Happy to help, my Lord! One more shot?

God: Let´s go!

(Cheers! Fire spitting)

Ada: So, will You tell me what do I owe this visit to?

God: This  is going to sound weird, but ... in the middle of all this great creation I feel ... alone ... like nobody understands me, you know.

Ada: Oh, do I?!

( Said I while preparing a third round of shots )

Ada: Here´s to you, God! 

( Cheers! Fire spitting.)

God: Like everybody is projecting into me. Their own fears and stupid ideas. It gets frustrating because ... I am right there. Inside, in front, all you have to do is look. When I´ve made people I really thought I am going to have some fun. I thought is going to be epic and it is pretty nice, I am not complaining, but I thought it would be way more. All that free will crap is just .... a bummer and a continuous source of frustration . Shit! Now I am projecting. Why are you looking at me like that?

Ada: Nothing. It´s just that I had a very similar conversation with Satan not so long ago. He was complaining about the same thing.

God: As above so below, baby! Are you preparing those shots or what?

Ada: Wow, you are on a row! Are you sure?

God: Yes, today I am upset. I want to surrender. 

Ada: To vodka?

God: To the Creation, my darling. To whatever is. All or nothing!

Ada: You are the Master. I shall fulfill your command. 

( Cheers! Spitting fire.)

God: How about going around causing some trouble?

Ada: Oh, sure! Where shall we go?

God: We flip a coin: heads- we crash a wedding, tails- a funeral. 

(He flipped a coin- It was heads.)

God: And it is a wedding, ladies and gentlemen. 

Ada: I am quite happy. Had enough of funeral stories. 

God: Ready for Divine Transportation? 

Ada: I guess. 

God: Is there any more vodka?

Ada: For 2 more shots precisely. We finish it off?

God: All the way!

( Cheers! Spitting fire!)

God: Perfection! Hang in there, beauty! We´ll be taking off in a moment. 

(Divine light opened and fell on us and we rode waves of pure happiness and bliss for an undetermined amount of time. We landed dazzled in a warm and green place. )

Ada: Where are we? 

God: I don´t really know. Looks like Argentina, though. 

( He checked His GPS and confirmed.)

God: Yes, it is Argentina and our wedding is right there.Let´s go!

Ada: But wait! What are we going to do?

God: Improvise.

Ada: I have a bad feeling about this.

We entered and joined the party. Obviously, it was only a matter of short time before we drew everyone´s attention. An older man came to interrupt our chaotic silly dance and asked:

Old Man: Perdon! Quien son usted? Sois invitados? 

Ada: No comprendo! English? English?

Old Man (in a broken English): Who ... Are ... You?

God: I am God Himself and this is my friend. We came here to sanctify these two youngsters union. 

Old Man: What? Who?

God: God. G ... O ... D! Dios! In person. I want to congratulate and sanctify all the people at this wedding. Look. Check this out. What are you drinking? 

Old Man: Vino... Wine. 

God: Cool. Check out your glass now.

(The old man looked at his glass and instead of his wine there was ...)

Old  Man: Agua! Es el diablo!

God: That´s not agua, amigo. Have taste. 

Old Man: Es vodka! Get out of here, you evil spirit!

God: If you are not going to drink that, I can finish it off for you. 

(Friends of the groom gathered around us with angry looks on their faces chasing us out with crucifixes and christian hand gestures.)

God: Wait! Wait! Un poco. Can we talk this through, please?

Everybody: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Get out of this sacred place! 

God: I Am The Father, The Son AND The Holy Spirit, you morons! 

Everybody: Blasphemy! Out! 

(They pushed and kicked us out, spited on us as a final humiliation and went back to their celebration.)

Ada: Well, well, well. You did it this time! I knew you overdid the vodka thing. I really hate spit. Jesus Christ!

God: Hey! Don’t scream at me. I just told the truth. 

Ada: Yeah, sure! Innocent you! Fuck this. Can we please go now? 

God: Yes. But one more little thing before. Time for some Divine punishment. May all the women, wives and lovers present at this party get their menstruation right … now! Stain all their fancy dresses of blood and  none of the men present at this wedding get any sex tonight! “And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!” Amen! 

Divine transportation! 

(My stupefaction got interrupted by the waves of happiness and bliss that we rode all the way to the gas station where we stopped to get a bottle of vodka. And then we arrived on the beach. The night was starry and warm.)

God: Come on, beauty. Let’s have one of those shots of yours and go clean up in the sea! Sea water cleans everything. 

Ada: You really have a way of doing things, haven’t You? 

(Said I smiling with admiration and love while I was pouring the shots.)

Ada: Here’s to you, My Lord! You don’t always give me what I want, but You always give a hell of a ride. Love forever!

God: To your beauty, darling! 

Ada: So charming always!  

(Cheers! Spitting fire) 

And all was quiet, warm and pure. 

 

                                                                    -The End- 

 

Funeralienation- Part III- What Are Friends For?

 

(Part I- here  

Part II- here )

- Let´s hear some music, no? ( Said Simona ) 

 

- Oh, good idea. I didn´t know what was missing. (Retorted Valentina) Do you think he is going to be alright? 

- I couldn´t care less. I had a bad feeling about this journey from the beginning, but ... we just had this crazy situation because of this  funeral and stuff. He picked up a bad day to piss me off. I am still coming to terms with George´s death myself

- What were you? Also cousins, or what?

- He was my paternal grandfather´s only daughter-in-law´s brother.

. Mhm. 

- We were quite close, you know. Maybe the closest from all family members. I am still not convinced about the cause of his death ... I mean what does "Eaten by beasts of the forest" even mean? 

- Actually, it has been a lot on the news lately. The beasts of the forest seem to have gone bananas. More and more people are getting hurt or even eaten by them. Such as your paternal grandfather ....only daughter  ... George´s case. 

- I really appreciate you coming with me. I couldn´t have handled this by myself. 

- Oh, please. What are friends for? (Said Valentina with a smile.)

- Oh, crap! We have to cross the Enchanted Forest. We must leave the car here and walk. Shit!

- Do we have enough time?

- Yes if we hurry. Come on. Let´s go!

 

 

 

- I am not used to this quietness. It kinda creeps me out. (Whispered Valentina)

- Don´t worry. I used to come here all the time. It is quite a friendly place when you get to know it. 

- Maybe, but still ...

(A peculiar noise was coming from the bushes on the right, but in such silence all noises become peculiar.)

- Wow! I must admit that the sunlight hits wonderfully through the branches. (Said Valentina). Do you see?  .... Simona? (She turned around to her friend, but all she saw was Simona with a rock in her fist) 

After hitting Valentina with rock in her head several times, Simona checked Valentina´s pulse (or lack of it) in order to make sure that she was dead. 

"Nice and quick" Thought Simona to herself.

- I am sorry it had to be you, dear. So sorry. 

Said Simona while carrying the dead body along the forest. 

"What time is it? pfffff ... 7 more minutes. Come on! One last push. There´s the border"

At the border there were a bear and a fox. 

- Hello, Miss. Your name? (Said the bear)

- Simona Mandake. 

- Your id please. (Said the fox)

Simona handed over the id and the two animals checked it. 

- Human sacrifice?

- Yes, there it is.  

- Good to go. (Said the bear) . Good day.

- Thank you. Goodbye! (Said Simona with a sigh of relief and crossed the border free of any extra burdens)

"Time: 3 more minutes till the funeral and I can see it from here. I can finally relax". 

Calmly and steadily, she arrived at the funeral. Among others, she saw Mircea all torn up. 

- What happened to you? You look like shit. 

- Oh, you didn´t seem to care so much when you dumped me by the side of the road. I am lucky to even be here, you know. Where is Valentina anyway? 

- May we have a moment of silence, please? ( Said the tall elegant priest) And let´s pray together for the soul of George.  ........ May God put at rest the soul of George in place where there is no pain, nor suffering, nor sobbing ... In the name of the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit ... Amen!"

- Amen! (Said Mircea crying gently.)

- So, I guess this is it. What are your plans? Shall we go back together or what? 

- I guess so. Just don´t leave me alone by the road again. 

- Just don´t be annoying about the temperature anymore. 

- I can´t help myself. I am sensitive. 

- Whatever. I guess we are not in a hurry anymore. We´ll have to cross the Enchanted Forest by foot, I left my car on the other side. 

- Oh, no problem. After all I´ve been through today ... a short relaxing walk sounds like a really great idea.

- Perfect. Let´s go. ... 

- I must admit I was quite touched by the ceremony. The priest had an impressive voice. 

- Yeah. Tell me what happened after we separated. 

- Oh, you won´t believe it,  At first I thought of hitchhiking, but nobody would stop ... just the opposite. ...

As they were walking through the Enchanted Forest, Mircea told Simona all the story about the meeting with the Pegassus, the soul offering, the flight while Simona was just nodding her head saying "Mhm"

- ... But up there was so cold and windy and you know I am temperature sensitive, right? ( Said Mircea while turning to Simona and taking her by surprise with a rock in his fist)

- Screwing me up once is quite enough for today, don´t you think so, cous`?  ( Said Mircea while smashing her head). You think you are so smart, don´t you, bitch? That you are the only one who knows you need a human sacrifice to cross the border, huh?  We are family, love. I know a thing or two about the Enchanted Forest. You picked on the wrong motherfucker!

At the border there were a stag and a wolf. 

- Hello. (Said the stag)

- Hello.

- Name?

- Mircea Farkash. 

- Id?

- There you go. 

- Human sacrifice. 

- There you have it. 

- Good to go. Good day, sir!

- Thank you. Likewise.

Relieved,  Mircea crossed the border taking a deep breath and a close look to find Simona´s car. Luckily it was right in front of the forest. He smiled and walked calmly towards it. Opened the dor, steped in and turned on the engine. 

 

" Man, it was a long day. I don´t know what I need more a yoga flow or a whiskey. Maybe i should flip a coin: heads yoga, tails bar." He flipped: It was tails. 

" Perfect! A brothel it is."

 and off he went. 

 

 

                                                                                - The End -