Funeralientaion - Part 1: Majority Decides

 

I always loved long drives. It feels like time is standing still. There is nothing to do, nowhere to go. You fall asleep in one place, wake up in another. Kinda like floating. 

- Why am I so hot? (Asked  Mircea)

- You are overdressed. Take off some of those layers of clothes! ( Answered Valentina)

- It wouldn´t make any difference. Uuuufff ... I am all sweaty. 

- You are an idiot. ( Replied Valentina while solving a Sudoku)

- Can we stop for a moment? I need some fresh air. ( Insisted Mircea)

- Just open the window, man. We´re not going to stop for that. Take off your freakin´jacket! 

- Stop ordering me around! You are not my mother. I said I am hot. 

 "Continuing from this point would be nothing but a waste of words." (Concluded Valentina while looking out the window.)

- Pfffffff, can we please stop? I can´t take it anymore.

"I wonder ... Isn´t suicide something that we´ve all thought about at least once in a lifetime?" (Thought Simona while driving.)

"Everybody seems to be so repelled by this concept, but I always thought one can´t be an intelligent person without pondering the idea of suicide at least once. After all, It is an option which can´t be overlooked. One that gives you some kind of control over the unpredictability of death."

- Does anybody hear me? I am boiling hot! Can we please stop?! ( Said Mircea all clothed in his wool jacket. )

" In the end ... isn´t unpredictability the scariest thing about death? Any denial of the viability of this option is either hypocritical or dumb."

- Simona! ( Screamed Mircea from the bottom of his lungs.) Stop the car right now!

- Wha What?! Why?

- How many times do I have to say?! I AM HOT AND I NEED SOME FRESH AIR!!

- Why don´t you take off that woolen jacket, dude?

- Why is everyone busting my balls with this? I don´t want to take off my jacket. It´s comfortable. I want to stay cozy and have some fresh air. Is that a crime?

- Mircea, have you ever thought about suicide? ( Asked Simona)

- Now where did that came from? No. 

- No? Really? Not even once? ( Simona continued)

- No!

- What about you, Valentina.

- Not since I was a teenager. Why? 

- Just wondering. 

- Do you want to kill yourself or what? ( Asked Mircea showing off his concern.)

- No. I am just wondering if people think about it. 

- See? Now I am worried. Are you ok?

- Why does everybody get instantly outraged when it comes to this subject? Why do I have to be "not ok" for something like this to cross my mind. I don´t have to be pregnant to wonder about abortion or anything. 

- Yeah, but, you know ...

- Yeah, I know! It just needs to be asked. It´s standard procedure. 

- I guess. Now can we stop for 5 minutes? 

Valentina took her eyes of her Sudoku and asked calmly:

- What about murder? Had anyone ever thought about murder? I know I am thinking about it for the last 10 minutes.  If you keep buzzing me, I´ll land my fist straight in your face. Take off your freakin´jacket!!

- Simona, please stop the car. I am boiling and can´t breathe. 

Valentina turned to Simona and said calmly:

- Please pull over. Mircea needs to get out right now. 

Simona pulled over and Mircea got out immediately. 

- Finally! Oh my God! (Said Mircea getting out of the car and breathing deeply)

As soon as he was out, the girls stepped on the acceleration and left without hesitation. 

- Hey! Heeeeeey! Where are you going? Heeeeey! 

Screamed Mircea, but had nobody to scream at. He was all alone by the side of the road. 

- Shit!! I´ll show you where my fist is going to land! Damn you, witches!!! 

(Mircea checked the time)

"45 minutes until my cousin´s funeral. What the fuck am I going to do?"

 

What the fuck is Mircea going to do?

 

                                                        - To Be Continued  here - 

Charles and Carlos

 

 Once upon a time there was a hippopotamus. His name was Charles and he lived in a building block in a suburb of Mijik City. 

Charles was depressed and  fed up with neighbors complaining all the time. He could barely walk in his own flat because the whole building was shaking and everybody (except him) got terrified. So he was basically stuck in his apartment. 

Ding Dong!

- Mr. Charles! There´s post for you. 

- It´s open. (Said Charles). Come on in. 

The postman entered and, slightly distressed, handed Charles his letter.

- God day, sir. (Said the postman. Then he turned around and left)

Charles looked at the envelope where it was written with big letters: EVACUATION NOTICE!

He had an intuition about who and why is getting evacuated, but read the letter anyway. 

"The neighbors committee of Blooming Flower Street number 115B unanimously votes for the evacuation of Mr. Charles Smith a.k.a. Mr. Hippo for reasons of safety. Therefore Mr. Smith must leave his apartment before 30th Nov. 2089. In case of refusal, radical measures will be taken. 

Signed respectfully,

All Neighbors."

- 30th of November? But that´s a week from now. What am I going to do? 

He wished he would have a clearer mind, but a mosquito kept bothering him each time he got a slight idea so he ended up slapping  his ear several times instead. 

- Let me read the letter! Let me read the letter! (A mysterious voice said)

- Hey! Who said that? 

- What are you doing?

- Who is there?

- What is the letter about?

- Who is talking? Come out?

- Why the panic? It´s me. 

- Me who?

- Me, Carlos. 

- Carlos?

- Yes, Carlos.

- Carlos who? 

- Carlos Mosq. 

Charles slapped his ear one more time and then looked closely. Yes, it was the mosquito talking indeed. 

- What do you want? Go away and leave me alone!

- Let me read that letter, would you?

- No. 

- Yes!

- Here. 

Carlos buzzed annoyingly while he was reading the letter. 

- Wow! That´s fucked up, man! Said Carlos. But, on the other hand, you were like a prisoner here anyway. Maybe it is a chance to be free.  

- I don´t understand, I barely moved in years and they are still kicking me out. That´s not fair! I feel so stupid. 

Carlos looked at Charles with deep sympathy and asked:

- Excuse me, I know maybe it is not the right time, but ... what were you doing here anyway? How in the world did you think you will fit in? 

- I always wished to be a human. Humans are so cool. They seem to have everything figured out, like ... they have two right hands. They always seem to know what they are doing. They sing, they talk interesting things, they dance, they dress up in the most spectacular manners. I just wanted to be like them or ... at least among them. I thought that if I keep myself quiet enough, still enough they won´t notice the difference.

- You were hoping they won´t notice a hippo in the building? Really?

- Yes, that´s what I thought. I told you, I am not smart like they are. I guess I miscalculated.  What shall I do now? I don´t know where to go, not even how to get out. I´ve been stuck in this flat for years. What will I do?!

- Don´t despair, my friend. Maybe I can help. 

- How ever will you help me get out of here? You are just a mosquito. 

- Yes, but I am smart. Quite an engineer myself.

- Yeah right. 

- Just wait and see. We´ll get you out in no time. Can I use this carpet?

- Sure!

- Purrrfect! I´ll be right back. 

Carlos went out and came back, taking little trips all night. He was going out and coming back to do something weird with the carpet. 

- What are you doing? ( Asked Charles the Hippo)  

- I am preparing our vehicle. I am almost done. 

- I don´t understand a thing. 

- You will in a moment. 

Carlos Mosq went back and forth a few more times then stopped at the carpet and made the final adjustments and said:

- Ready when you are, my friend. Anything you would like to take along with you?

- My toaster

- Coming up. 

Carlos brought Charles the toaster and said:

- There you go, now let´s get you on that carpet. 

- How are we going to travel on that? (Asked Charles while he was making the whole building shake by moving one arm, then another.)

- I present you the Magic Carpet  model 899, made using the latest technology, eco friendly of course, fueled by blood. 

- By what?!

- You know I like it organic, baby. All blood, your neighbor´s to be precise. 

- ... Bububut ...

- Come on, they chased you away anyway, besides, at last you can move comfortably, you don´t have to worry anymore about the building shaking. You know what I mean? You are free, Charles. So get on!

Slightly scared, but also slightly more relaxed, Charles sat himself on the Lethal Carpet. 

- Ready? (Asked the mosquito)

- I guess.

- Say bye bye to this prison.

- Bye bye, prison!

Then hey flew out off the window splashing blood behind behind them on the building, down on the people walking by, terrified by what appeared to be a blood rain.

- Don´t worry, it´s all organic! ( Screamed down the mosquito)

The two friends got lost like a red stain in the distance. I have the feeling that they lived happily ever after.

 

 

                                                                     - The End -  

Me and Satan on Full Moon

 

 

"...... Is anybody here? God? .... Grandma! ... Are you here? Can you hear me?

Grandma, do you remember when I was little and we were playing and singing at your house? Seems like so long ago ... almost as it never happened.  "

- Ouch! Goddammit! 

There I was daydreaming again. Third time this week. This time it caught me while I was pouring myself a cup of tea so hot water was spilling all over my hands and furniture.

- Fuck!

Ring! Ring!

- Hello!

- Hello, sweetie! So happy to hear you! Long time no see!

- Oh! Hi, Satan! What´s up?

- You know, I´ve been dreaming about you two times this week. I guess that must mean I miss you, right?

- What were you dreaming about?

- On Tuesday I dreamed that I was coming to your house, you opened the door for me and you were an old woman, but Milo was a baby. It was so weird. Then I entered your house, but it was like I was entering the void. I turned around to figure out what was going on and when I turned my head back at you you were a kid and I was asking you " Where is Milo?" and you said " Milo who?" and you were shrinking and shrinking and ...

- Ok, I got the idea. And the other one?

- Oh, we were just having sex. 

- Oh, I don´t know which one is better. 

- The second one, of course. Sex is better than most things. 

- I don´t know about that. 

- Yes, you do. Listen, how about a coffee? 

- Sure. Pick me up in 30?

- Righto! 

...............................................................................30 minutes later ..............................................................

Ding-Dong!

I opened the door and there he was with his large smile!

- Love! I´m so happy to see you! 

- Me too, sweetness! 

- Where shall we go?

- How about a walk in the Enchanted Forest? We buy some snacks and drinks and we hang out there with the trees and animals. 

- Great! Let´s go!

We stopped by the grocery store and got ourselves a big bag of M&M´s and two coffees to go.

- Oh Wow! This coffee is truly horrible. Who makes this shit?!

Said Satan  indignantly. Satan really appreciates a good coffee, you know. We used to take walks together in Italy just for the sake of a good coffee. This incident really spoiled a lot of Satan´s good mood for the day.

- You know what? I am not even going to drink this.

Said he while throwing it in the garbage bin.Then continued. 

- And you shouldn´t either. The fact that people compromise and drink this rubbish makes them keep selling it. 

- Ok, Satan. 

Said I while sipping my coffee. 

- Do you like it? 

- Not particularly. 

- Then why are you drinking it? 

- C´mon, dude, we just bought some coffee to go and some stupid M&M´s. Those are not going to be the best gourmet chocolate either. Cheap colored little thrills. Relax! 

- I never relax. 

- Too bad. 

Slowly we entered the Enchanted Forest through the Portal of Happiness. 

- So, said Satan, are you going to tell me why you didn´t say anything all this time?

- Dear, I didn´t really have anything TO say. Everything was so confusing and this Universe has this habit to contradict me each time I affirm something that I got almost afraid of saying anything at all. I managed to abstain from all vices which is nice. I created others though, but those ones at least are rewarding. I can´t relax either, you know? Sometimes this can be quite a bummer. Only in my dreams I am relaxed. That´s why I am daydreaming more and more lately. I am slightly on the edge I guess.

- What are you dreaming about?

- Been dreaming a lot about my grandparents lately and since I am abstaining from any kind of sexual activity I´ve dreaming about my exes a lot. Particularly one.

- A good or a bad ex?

- Bad, of course. 

- That sucks!

- I know!

- Why are you abstaining from sex?

- Because I declared war to all demons (except you). Especially to Romance demons. They are the worst and most difficult to conquer. All the others were easy peasy, but these ones .... God, help me!

- Yeah, I can´t help you with that, is true. Hey! These peanut M&M´s are really yummy! I forgot how good they are. 

- Yeah, right? Each one is a little piece of happiness. 

- Indeed!  

- So, anyway, what have you been doing? 

- Well, same same as always. Taking the blame for everything. I´m getting pissed off. I am holding on the best that I can, but if they don´t give me a break I´ll give them something to complain about. That´s the problem when you are so powerful, responsibility constrains you to take everybody´s shit because one impulsive move ... even the tiniest, would mean a disaster. So there I am, taking all the punches, all the screams, blames, curses, everybody´s shit energy just because they can´t take it themselves. Such a terrible job.

- You sound a bit on the edge as well. 

- A bit? It´s only my pinky finger holding me to the edge, my dear. A nail, a thought. 

- M&M?

- Yes, thanks!

-  Are you cold?

- A bit. 

- Here, my coat is huge. We can share it. 

We sat down and snuggled into each other. 

- That´s so cozy. (Said Satan) Yum yum. 

- Look up. It is the last full moon of this year, love. And the longest.Shall we stay here and see it?

- Yes. 

- Until the end?

- Yes. 

- M&M?

- Yes. 

I love full moons. Always did. As I was looking at it with that huge smile on my face, I felt the cold wind cutting my face several times and then darkness, a float and a moment of silence. 

- God?! Grandma?! Are you here?

 

 

 

                                                             - The End- 

 

 

Meditatii

Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing .......

huuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

De mult, pe vremea cand oile mancau carpe de bucatarie, era un croitor caruia ii cam placea sa traga la masea. Si satul in care locuia acest croitor era undeva la marginea unei paduri. Padurea Vantului Puternic. Se numea asa pentru ca te lua vantul pe sus cum ii treceai ... copacul.

huuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Cand ne atingem simt fluturi in stomac. In tot acest intuneric am vazut o femeie dansand. Avea lumina in degete si ochi.
Avea rochia neagra si parul blond. Ochii ii erau verzi ca smaraldul. Era frumoasa, ce-i drept. Dansa pentru ea.

huuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Viata imi surade cu tine. Ma bucur sa te cunosc. Ieri am cumparat porumb. Imi place porumbul fiert cu sare. Nu mai are gustul de pe vremuri. Acum e o chestie dezgustator de dulce. La fel. Mereu la fel. Nu mai gaseste omul un cocean bun de porumb fiert. Ce bun era porumbul de pe plaja.

huuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

- Si ... ce-ti place sa faci?
- Nu-mi place sa-mi pierd timpul. Timpul e prea pretios, dom´le ca sa-l pierzi pe prostii.
- Si in timpul nepierdut ce faci?
- Eh, ce fac?! Ma odihnesc.

huummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

- Ai batut vreodata campii?
- Cred ca da.
- Cum?
- Pai, acum vreo 4 ani mergeam spre mare si am tras pe dreapta langa un camp sa fac pipi. In timp ce ma usuram fericit campul mi-a zis " Nesimtule, ai o benzinarie 2 km mai incolo. Pleaca-n pizda ma-tii de aici!"
- Ce, ma, zici de mama?! Am sarit ca ars si i-am si dat doua.
- Aha.

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm .......Huuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ............. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz .......... pleosc!!!!!!! ............................................Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

- Draga mea. Mi-as dori sa facem sex mai des.
- Da, dragul meu. Si eu mi-as dori, dar mi-ar placea sa fie mai spontan. Parca e prea programat, nu? Crezi ca am putea varia putin  vocabularul nostru sexual?
- Perfect! Uite ce propun, hai sa cadem de acord ca vom face sex in fiecare marti.

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ....... plosc!!! ...................hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

- Buna ziua, doamna. Am venit sa iau toporul.
- Poftim!
Si l-a luat in cap

Dooooooooong ....

                                                               

Namaste!

The rest is history or an excuse to post Amanda Palmer & Edward Ka-Spel

In the begninning there was the word
Then ... there was  english language
There were Lords of Darkness showing their true faces to little girls who wished to be little ladies of darkness themselves
There was that historic documentary in which that girl ( what´s her name?) was never casted.
But, most importantly, it was at the school of dead living beings where she first felt the itch on her foot.
There was sand where she barried it
And some sea, and some false lashes.
And there was the new order which moved things from here to there
Which made Mr Black eventually leave without his blue trombone
Found by me in a fancy little garden near some kids doing math exercises. ( So I took it! )
There were many other things, but I wouldn´t know cause I left.
(Can someone tell me what happened to the blue dog with a green apple on his head?)

Vis de Noiembrie

Chock Chock Chok!
7:45 AM dormeam
- Cine e?
- Eu, mama.
Aparitia ei direct la usa fara un telefon in prealabil m-a ingrijorat asa ca am sarit repede din pat si am deschis usa.
- Ce faci? S-a intamplat ceva?
M-a luat in brate si a oftat lung apoi m-a privit direct in ochi si m-a intrebat pe un ton grav
- Esti bine? Cum te simti?
- Bine, bine. Nu inteleg comportamentul tau, serios. Imi pare ca tu esti cea care nu te simti prea bine. Ce s-a intamplat.
Ma mangaia pe par si repeta intr-una cu lacrimi in ochi parca sie insasi:
-De ce , mai mama? De ce e viata asta asa. Ce-o sa ma fac eu fara tine? Nu e normal sa se intample asa, ci invers. Ce-o sa ma fac ...?
Mi-am pierdut rabdarea si am izbucnit:
- Spune-mi, dom'le si mie ce s-a intamplat macar sa plang si eu cu tine!
- Sa iti faci toate poftele azi, bine? Sa te bucuri cat poti, este ultima ta zi.
- Aoleu, mama, de unde le scoti? Ai avut vreun vis urat?
- Nu, vorbesc serios. Chiar este ultima ta zi de viata. M-a sunat doctorul si mi-a spus rezultatul analizelor. In timpul zilei de astazi ti se va opri inima. Draga mea, fetita mea.
Si m-a luat din nou in brate plangand in hohote.
- Stai asa, mai mama, ca nu se poate. Ma simt perfect. Uita-te putin la mine.
Si i-am facut in viteza 5 flotari.
- Nu are legatura. Ar trebui sa te duci la spital sa vorbesti cu doctorul. O sa-ti explice el mai bine eu nu stiu sa folosesc termenii potriviti. A zis ca te poti duce oricand.
- Ei bine, o sa ma duc chiar acum sa lamurim nebunia asta si sa ne calmam.
M-am imbracat repede cu inima cam stransa. Nu credeam ce-mi spunea mama, dar ... mi-a bagat un sambure de disperare in suflet. Si daca ...? Nu, n-are cum. Este absolut ridicol.
...................................................................................................................................................................

Chock Chock Chock
- Da, intra!
- Buna ziua, domnu' doctor.
- Oooo, domnisoara Totolan, ma bucur sa va vad.
- Da, bine. Am venit pentru rezultatele analizelor. Imi puteti explica si mie de ce boceste mama de 3 ore spunandu-mi printre dinti ca azi mor?
- Da, sigur ca da. Luati loc.
M-am asezat pe scaun cu bratele incrucisate si, sfidatoare, am asteptat explicatii.
- Stiti ca tehnologia avanseaza pe zi ce trece cu mare viteza.
- Stiu.
- Si, de vreo 2 ani, hackerii lucreaza la un nou virus care se pare ca a inceput sa faca victime.
- Adica?
- Adica, sa ma intelegeti, virusul sta ascuns pe un site oarecare si asteapta o victima. In momentul in care ea apare o scuipa cu o substanta toxica, letala care isi face efectul intre 12 si 24 de ore. Si, dupa cum puteti observa in radiografia dumneavoastra, ati fost marcata pe umarul drept.
Am incremenit, am vrut sa spun ceva, dar eram total nepregatita pentru o astfel de veste. Vazandu-ma destabilizata, doctorul a completat.
- Ziceti mersi ca ati vazut la timp si aveti un pic de timp sa va puneti lucrurile in ordine. Altii nu au asa o sansa. Mor direct si apoi lumea se intreaba de ce.
M-am ridicat de pe scaun si am dat sa plec.
- Multumesc, domnule doctor.
Am zis cu voce stinsa si am iesit intalnind imediat  privirea disperata a maica-mii.
- Ce cacat!

...................................................................................................................................................................

- Adevarul este atat de dureros incat uneori stai si te gandesti daca chiar merita, daca nu e cu adevarat mai bine sa traiesti de pe o zi pe alta fara sa-ti pese. Fara "sa-ti pui probleme", ci pur si simplu.
- Ce-ai de gand sa faci?
Ma intreba Rodica Veverita.
- Habar n-am. Ma duc sa-mi pun niste lapte.

.............................................................The End(?)...................................................................................

AnAda World- Utopia nr. 3

Vica Depresica a ajuns la capatul rabdarilor: Masculii o ocolesc imediat dupa ..., colegii nu o suna, munca nu-i place, nici plimbarea, nici dansul, nici drogurile, iar animalele ii miros mereu frica asa ca o ataca neincetat. Vica s-a hotarat sa se sinucida.
Aoleu, dar cum? ... Si cand?
Ei bine, chiar in aceasta dimineata si-a cumparat 5 tuburi de calmate cu ajutorul unei retete de la un amic doctor ( or fi indeajuns?! ), o sticla de Absolut si si-a facut programare la Brotacul Avocatu spre care se indreapta chiar acum. Pe drum isi da seama ca isi numara pasii.
" Ce m-o fi apucat?" isi zise cu voce moale in timp ce intra in cladirea de birouri de pe strada Molustelor. Urca la etajul 3 unde o intampina o secretara durdulie cu voce stridenta si suflet bun.
- Aveti programare?
- Da.
- La domnul Brotacu, da?
- Da, la 12:00.
- Gata, am gasit. Domnisoara Vica. Mergeti drept inainte pe culoar, a doua usa pe stanga.
- Multumesc.
- Cu placere.  O zi buna.

Chock! Chock! Chock!

- Intra.
- Buna ziua.
- Buna ziua, domnisoara. zise domnul Brotacu intinzandu-i mana. Luati loc si spuneti-mi cu ce va pot fi de folos.
- Domnule, m-am hotarat sa ma sinucid.
- .....
. Si as dori sa intocmesc actele necesare. As dori sa las restul zilelor mele singurului meu prieten, varul meu Doru Caprioru.
- In primul rand as dori sa-mi exprim regretul pentru decizia tragica pe care ati luat-o si nu pot decat sa sper ca ati cantarit bine variantele. O sa va dau un formular pe care care va trebui sa-l completati si cateva acte de semnat, bine?
- Bine.
- Uitati aici formularul. Completati-l si semnati-l la sfarsit.
- Un pix aveti?
- Poftiti.

Vica respecta indrumarile intocmai, completa formularul, semna actele pe care i le intinse apoi avocatului.
- In regula. Asta ar fi tot. Trebuie sa pun eu acum o stampiluta aici si ... gata. 200 de Ron, va rog.
- Poftiti.
- Multumesc. Poftiti si chitanta.
- Gata? Asta a fost tot?
- Da.
- Excelent. La revedere atunci. Va doresc o zi buna.
- Multumesc si ... condoleante anticipate.

Cu simtul datoriei implinit, Vica a ajuns acasa, si-a deschis sticla de vodca si a dat-o pe gat impreuna cu toate cele 5 tuburi de calmante. A murit repede si linistit comform planului.
A doua zi, la auzirea teribilei vesti, Doru Caprioru a varsat lacrimi amare, dar care s-au transormat repede in lacrimi de bucurie la aflarea faptului ca ca a mostenit 30 de ani in plus de viata de la buna sa verisoara.

Doru Caprioru a trait o viata bogata in experiente de neuitat. A murit de cancer la ficat la 102 ani.