marți, 26 iulie 2022

Me and God


God: Ada? ... Ada!

Ada: Who is there? Satan? Is that you?

God: No, it´s Me.

Ada: Me who?

God: God.

Ada: Oh, shit! Really? 

God: Really.

Ada: Have I done something wrong? Am I dying?

God: Everybody is constantly doing something wrong and no, you are not dying (yet). Just wanted to hang out. 

Ada: Oh! ... Sure! Ok. So ... what´s up?

God: Do you have something to drink?

Ada: Just some lousy vodka. Should we have some shots? 

God: What the hell, bring it on!

Ada: Righto!

( Full of delight I went in the kitchen and brought two small  shot glasses and a bottle of shitty vodka. There is a special kind of happiness surrounding me when I serve shots. I poured one for me and one for God. )

Ada: Do you know how to drink it?

( God lifted His right eyebrow and looked at me with great disappointment. Then He lifted up the glass and said ... )

God: Here´s to us! Bottoms up!

Ada: To us! Love forever!

(We emptied the glasses and spited fire.)

God: What about some music? 

Ada: Sure!


God: Aaaah. Sweet music to my ears. Hits the spot, missy. 

Ada: Happy to help, my Lord! One more shot?

God: Let´s go!

(Cheers! Fire spitting)

Ada: So, will You tell me what do I owe this visit to?

God: This  is going to sound weird, but ... in the middle of all this great creation I feel ... alone ... like nobody understands me, you know.

Ada: Oh, do I?!

( Said I while preparing a third round of shots )

Ada: Here´s to you, God! 

( Cheers! Fire spitting.)

God: Like everybody is projecting into me. Their own fears and stupid ideas. It gets frustrating because ... I am right there. Inside, in front, all you have to do is look. When I´ve made people I really thought I am going to have some fun. I thought is going to be epic and it is pretty nice, I am not complaining, but I thought it would be way more. All that free will crap is just .... a bummer and a continuous source of frustration . Shit! Now I am projecting. Why are you looking at me like that?

Ada: Nothing. It´s just that I had a very similar conversation with Satan not so long ago. He was complaining about the same thing.

God: As above so below, baby! Are you preparing those shots or what?

Ada: Wow, you are on a row! Are you sure?

God: Yes, today I am upset. I want to surrender. 

Ada: To vodka?

God: To the Creation, my darling. To whatever is. All or nothing!

Ada: You are the Master. I shall fulfill your command. 

( Cheers! Spitting fire.)

God: How about going around causing some trouble?

Ada: Oh, sure! Where shall we go?

God: We flip a coin: heads- we crash a wedding, tails- a funeral. 

(He flipped a coin- It was heads.)

God: And it is a wedding, ladies and gentlemen. 

Ada: I am quite happy. Had enough of funeral stories. 

God: Ready for Divine Transportation? 

Ada: I guess. 

God: Is there any more vodka?

Ada: For 2 more shots precisely. We finish it off?

God: All the way!

( Cheers! Spitting fire!)

God: Perfection! Hang in there, beauty! We´ll be taking off in a moment. 

(Divine light opened and fell on us and we rode waves of pure happiness and bliss for an undetermined amount of time. We landed dazzled in a warm and green place. )

Ada: Where are we? 

God: I don´t really know. Looks like Argentina, though. 

( He checked His GPS and confirmed.)

God: Yes, it is Argentina and our wedding is right there.Let´s go!

Ada: But wait! What are we going to do?

God: Improvise.

Ada: I have a bad feeling about this.

We entered and joined the party. Obviously, it was only a matter of short time before we drew everyone´s attention. An older man came to interrupt our chaotic silly dance and asked:

Old Man: Perdon! Quien son usted? Sois invitados? 

Ada: No comprendo! English? English?

Old Man: Who ... Are ... You?

God: I am God Himself and this is my friend. We came here to sanctify these two youngsters union. 

Old Man: What? Who?

God: God. G ... O ... D! Dios! In person. I want to congratulate and sanctify all the people at this wedding. Look. Check this out. What are you drinking? 

Old Man: Vino. Wine. 

God: Cool. Check out your glass now.

(The old man checked his glass and instead of his wine there was ...)

Old  Man: Agua! Es el diablo!

God: That´s not agua, amigo. Have taste. 

Old Man: Es vodka! Get out of here, you evil spirit!

God: If you are not going to drink that, I can finish it off for you. 

(Friends of the groom gathered around us with angry looks on their faces chasing us out with crucifixes and christian hand gestures.)

God: Wait! Wait! Un poco. Can we talk this through, please?

Everybody: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Get out of this sacred place! 

God: I Am The Father, The Son AND The Holy Spirit, you morons! 

Everybody: Blasphemy! Out! 

(They pushed and kicked us out, spited on us as a final humiliation and went back to their celebration.)

Ada: Well, well, well. You did it this time! I knew you overdid the vodka thing. I really hate spitting. Come on! 

God: Hey! Don’t scream at me. I just told the truth. 

Ada: Yeah, sure! Innocent you! Fuck this. Can we please go now? 

God: Yes. But one more little thing before. Time for some Divine punishment. May all the women, wives and lovers present at this party get their menstruation right … now! Stain all their fancy dresses of blood and  none of the men present at this wedding get any sex tonight! “And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!” Amen! 

Divine transportation! 

(My stupefaction got interrupted by the waves of happiness and bliss that we rode all the way to the gas station where we stopped to get a bottle of vodka. And then we arrived on the beach. The night was starry and warm.)

God: Come on, beauty. Let’s have one of those shots of yours and go clean up in the sea! Sea water cleans everything. 

Ada: You really have a way of doing things, haven’t You? 

(Said I smiling with admiration and love while I was pouring the shots.)

Ada: Here’s to you, My Lord! You don’t always give me what I want, but You always give a hell of a ride. Love forever!

God: To your beauty, darling! 

Ada: So charming always!  

(Cheers! Spitting fire) 

And all was quiet, warm and pure. 


                                                                    -The End- 


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