Funeralienation - Part II - Mircea

 

( For part I click here )

 

"Those bitches! I´ll cut them in half when I´ll see them. Bbbbrrrrr .... I´m freezing. Oh, here comes a truck. Please, God, please!"

Prayed Mircea while trying to stop the truck. But it passed right by him with the driver showing him the middle finger.

- Fuck you too!! (Screamed Mircea)

Suddenly the truck stopped. The driver got down furiously and grabbed Mircea by the collar saying;

- Say, what,
motherfucker? C´mon, say it again!

- What?

- Were you screaming at me back there? Were you? What were you saying?

- Nothing, nothing.

- Oh, nothing, huh? I thought I heard "Fuck you!". Am I having trouble hearing? 

- No. 

- Then what? 

- I am sorry. Please forgive me. I was upset.

- Well, let me show you just how upset I am: 

With two punches in the face and a kick in the stomach, Mircea fell almost unconscious. 

- There you go! Serves you right, asshole! 

The driver went back into his truck and left while our poor Mircea was left by the side of the road, barely breathing. 

"The funeral ... I must get to the funeral ..."

- Heeeeeeelp! ... Heeeeeelp! Gosh, it´s hopeless. 

Mircea looked to the left and saw a ... 

- Wha wha whaat?! Is this a ....

- Yes!

- Oh! He talks! I´m either dreaming or crazy. 

- Why are you so surprised? Weren´t you just screaming for help?

- Yes, but ... I wasn´t expecting a ... 

- Pegasus. 

 

- Right. 

- This is our district so whatever happens we know it all. 

- Oh, thank goodness. So can you help me?  I am in a big rush.

- Yes, I know. You need to get to your cousin´s funeral. Yes, I will take you there. 

- Oh, great! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

- On one condition. 

- Sure. I´ll do anything, bro!

- In exchange for that, I will devour your soul. 

- Oh my ... Pricey, pricey, no? Isn´t that a bit too much for a twenty minutes ride? 

- You are free to make it on your own if you wish. 

- Oook, ok, you may devour my soul afterwards. ( Agreed Mircea checking the time ) Now let´s hurry up, please.

- Hop on, Mircey!

- Oh, this is so exciting, I never thought I will have the chance to ride a Pegasus in this lifetime. Yuuuuhuuuuu!

The Pegasus  took off moving higher and higher towards the clouds. It was all like dream. 

"This is so awesome. Totally worth every piece of soul devouring! 

Thought Mircea, but not long after take off he started feeling a bit chilly. The sensation was cool, but now the wind was cutting his face and was very uncomfortable. 

- Mr. Pegassus! Mr. Pegassus! Yelled Mircea

- What?

- I am cold. Do you think we can stop for 2 minutes to recompose myself?

- Are you crazy? We just took off. 

- I know, but I am very temperature sensitive, you know. 

- Hang in there. We are not far. 

- Yes, I understand, but I am really freezing cold. Can we please stop?

- No. 

- .... Please!

- I´ll drop you off if I hear your voice one more time. 

Mircea tried. He really did. He tried as much as he could: breath of fire, squishing his teeth, he tried thinking of a warm sunny beach, but ...

- It is just that ... I can´t take it ...

With a hard and ferm kick, the Pegassus pushed Mircea down from his back saying with disgust: 

- Sayonara, you imbecile!

Mircea fell on squishy grass. He hit himself but not as hard as he would´ve thought so he was actually quite releved, but when he turned his eyes up to look for the Pegassus he got covered by a big pile of shit falling from the sky.

- Damn you! I hope you rot in hell forever and ever and ever and ever!!!

"10 more minutes until the funeral. Come on, I can´t be that far. " 

                                                         - To Be Continued here

Monologue Tourette- Dupa Blocuri

Mai imi vine cate un spasm. 

Funeralientaion - Part 1: Majority Decides

 

I always loved long drives. It feels like time is standing still. There is nothing to do, nowhere to go. You fall asleep in one place, wake up in another. Kinda like floating. 

- Why am I so hot? (Asked  Mircea)

- You are overdressed. Take off some of those layers of clothes! ( Answered Valentina)

- It wouldn´t make any difference. Uuuufff ... I am all sweaty. 

- You are an idiot. ( Replied Valentina while solving a Sudoku)

- Can we stop for a moment? I need some fresh air. ( Insisted Mircea)

- Just open the window, man. We´re not going to stop for that. Take off your freakin´jacket! 

- Stop ordering me around! You are not my mother. I said I am hot. 

 "Continuing from this point would be nothing but a waste of words." (Concluded Valentina while looking out the window.)

- Pfffffff, can we please stop? I can´t take it anymore.

"I wonder ... Isn´t suicide something that we´ve all thought about at least once in a lifetime?" (Thought Simona while driving.)

"Everybody seems to be so repelled by this concept, but I always thought one can´t be an intelligent person without pondering the idea of suicide at least once. After all, It is an option which can´t be overlooked. One that gives you some kind of control over the unpredictability of death."

- Does anybody hear me? I am boiling hot! Can we please stop?! ( Said Mircea all clothed in his wool jacket. )

" In the end ... isn´t unpredictability the scariest thing about death? Any denial of the viability of this option is either hypocritical or dumb."

- Simona! ( Screamed Mircea from the bottom of his lungs.) Stop the car right now!

- Wha What?! Why?

- How many times do I have to say?! I AM HOT AND I NEED SOME FRESH AIR!!

- Why don´t you take off that woolen jacket, dude?

- Why is everyone busting my balls with this? I don´t want to take off my jacket. It´s comfortable. I want to stay cozy and have some fresh air. Is that a crime?

- Mircea, have you ever thought about suicide? ( Asked Simona)

- Now where did that came from? No. 

- No? Really? Not even once? ( Simona continued)

- No!

- What about you, Valentina.

- Not since I was a teenager. Why? 

- Just wondering. 

- Do you want to kill yourself or what? ( Asked Mircea showing off his concern.)

- No. I am just wondering if people think about it. 

- See? Now I am worried. Are you ok?

- Why does everybody get instantly outraged when it comes to this subject? Why do I have to be "not ok" for something like this to cross my mind. I don´t have to be pregnant to wonder about abortion or anything. 

- Yeah, but, you know ...

- Yeah, I know! It just needs to be asked. It´s standard procedure. 

- I guess. Now can we stop for 5 minutes? 

Valentina took her eyes of her Sudoku and asked calmly:

- What about murder? Had anyone ever thought about murder? I know I am thinking about it for the last 10 minutes.  If you keep buzzing me, I´ll land my fist straight in your face. Take off your freakin´jacket!!

- Simona, please stop the car. I am boiling and can´t breathe. 

Valentina turned to Simona and said calmly:

- Please pull over. Mircea needs to get out right now. 

Simona pulled over and Mircea got out immediately. 

- Finally! Oh my God! (Said Mircea getting out of the car and breathing deeply)

As soon as he was out, the girls stepped on the acceleration and left without hesitation. 

- Hey! Heeeeeey! Where are you going? Heeeeey! 

Screamed Mircea, but had nobody to scream at. He was all alone by the side of the road. 

- Shit!! I´ll show you where my fist is going to land! Damn you, witches!!! 

(Mircea checked the time)

"45 minutes until my cousin´s funeral. What the fuck am I going to do?"

 

What the fuck is Mircea going to do?

 

                                                        - To Be Continued  here - 

Charles and Carlos

 

 Once upon a time there was a hippopotamus. His name was Charles and he lived in a building block in a suburb of Mijik City. 

Charles was depressed and  fed up with neighbors complaining all the time. He could barely walk in his own flat because the whole building was shaking and everybody (except him) got terrified. So he was basically stuck in his apartment. 

Ding Dong!

- Mr. Charles! There´s post for you. 

- It´s open. (Said Charles). Come on in. 

The postman entered and, slightly distressed, handed Charles his letter.

- God day, sir. (Said the postman. Then he turned around and left)

Charles looked at the envelope where it was written with big letters: EVACUATION NOTICE!

He had an intuition about who and why is getting evacuated, but read the letter anyway. 

"The neighbors committee of Blooming Flower Street number 115B unanimously votes for the evacuation of Mr. Charles Smith a.k.a. Mr. Hippo for reasons of safety. Therefore Mr. Smith must leave his apartment before 30th Nov. 2089. In case of refusal, radical measures will be taken. 

Signed respectfully,

All Neighbors."

- 30th of November? But that´s a week from now. What am I going to do? 

He wished he would have a clearer mind, but a mosquito kept bothering him each time he got a slight idea so he ended up slapping  his ear several times instead. 

- Let me read the letter! Let me read the letter! (A mysterious voice said)

- Hey! Who said that? 

- What are you doing?

- Who is there?

- What is the letter about?

- Who is talking? Come out?

- Why the panic? It´s me. 

- Me who?

- Me, Carlos. 

- Carlos?

- Yes, Carlos.

- Carlos who? 

- Carlos Mosq. 

Charles slapped his ear one more time and then looked closely. Yes, it was the mosquito talking indeed. 

- What do you want? Go away and leave me alone!

- Let me read that letter, would you?

- No. 

- Yes!

- Here. 

Carlos buzzed annoyingly while he was reading the letter. 

- Wow! That´s fucked up, man! Said Carlos. But, on the other hand, you were like a prisoner here anyway. Maybe it is a chance to be free.  

- I don´t understand, I barely moved in years and they are still kicking me out. That´s not fair! I feel so stupid. 

Carlos looked at Charles with deep sympathy and asked:

- Excuse me, I know maybe it is not the right time, but ... what were you doing here anyway? How in the world did you think you will fit in? 

- I always wished to be a human. Humans are so cool. They seem to have everything figured out, like ... they have two right hands. They always seem to know what they are doing. They sing, they talk interesting things, they dance, they dress up in the most spectacular manners. I just wanted to be like them or ... at least among them. I thought that if I keep myself quiet enough, still enough they won´t notice the difference.

- You were hoping they won´t notice a hippo in the building? Really?

- Yes, that´s what I thought. I told you, I am not smart like they are. I guess I miscalculated.  What shall I do now? I don´t know where to go, not even how to get out. I´ve been stuck in this flat for years. What will I do?!

- Don´t despair, my friend. Maybe I can help. 

- How ever will you help me get out of here? You are just a mosquito. 

- Yes, but I am smart. Quite an engineer myself.

- Yeah right. 

- Just wait and see. We´ll get you out in no time. Can I use this carpet?

- Sure!

- Purrrfect! I´ll be right back. 

Carlos went out and came back, taking little trips all night. He was going out and coming back to do something weird with the carpet. 

- What are you doing? ( Asked Charles the Hippo)  

- I am preparing our vehicle. I am almost done. 

- I don´t understand a thing. 

- You will in a moment. 

Carlos Mosq went back and forth a few more times then stopped at the carpet and made the final adjustments and said:

- Ready when you are, my friend. Anything you would like to take along with you?

- My toaster

- Coming up. 

Carlos brought Charles the toaster and said:

- There you go, now let´s get you on that carpet. 

- How are we going to travel on that? (Asked Charles while he was making the whole building shake by moving one arm, then another.)

- I present you the Magic Carpet  model 899, made using the latest technology, eco friendly of course, fueled by blood. 

- By what?!

- You know I like it organic, baby. All blood, your neighbor´s to be precise. 

- ... Bububut ...

- Come on, they chased you away anyway, besides, at last you can move comfortably, you don´t have to worry anymore about the building shaking. You know what I mean? You are free, Charles. So get on!

Slightly scared, but also slightly more relaxed, Charles sat himself on the Lethal Carpet. 

- Ready? (Asked the mosquito)

- I guess.

- Say bye bye to this prison.

- Bye bye, prison!

Then hey flew out off the window splashing blood behind behind them on the building, down on the people walking by, terrified by what appeared to be a blood rain.

- Don´t worry, it´s all organic! ( Screamed down the mosquito)

The two friends got lost like a red stain in the distance. I have the feeling that they lived happily ever after.

 

 

                                                                     - The End -  

Me and Satan on Full Moon

 

 

"...... Is anybody here? God? .... Grandma! ... Are you here? Can you hear me?

Grandma, do you remember when I was little and we were playing and singing at your house? Seems like so long ago ... almost as it never happened.  "

- Ouch! Goddammit! 

There I was daydreaming again. Third time this week. This time it caught me while I was pouring myself a cup of tea so hot water was spilling all over my hands and furniture.

- Fuck!

Ring! Ring!

- Hello!

- Hello, sweetie! So happy to hear you! Long time no see!

- Oh! Hi, Satan! What´s up?

- You know, I´ve been dreaming about you two times this week. I guess that must mean I miss you, right?

- What were you dreaming about?

- On Tuesday I dreamed that I was coming to your house, you opened the door for me and you were an old woman, but Milo was a baby. It was so weird. Then I entered your house, but it was like I was entering the void. I turned around to figure out what was going on and when I turned my head back at you you were a kid and I was asking you " Where is Milo?" and you said " Milo who?" and you were shrinking and shrinking and ...

- Ok, I got the idea. And the other one?

- Oh, we were just having sex. 

- Oh, I don´t know which one is better. 

- The second one, of course. Sex is better than most things. 

- I don´t know about that. 

- Yes, you do. Listen, how about a coffee? 

- Sure. Pick me up in 30?

- Righto! 

...............................................................................30 minutes later ..............................................................

Ding-Dong!

I opened the door and there he was with his large smile!

- Love! I´m so happy to see you! 

- Me too, sweetness! 

- Where shall we go?

- How about a walk in the Enchanted Forest? We buy some snacks and drinks and we hang out there with the trees and animals. 

- Great! Let´s go!

We stopped by the grocery store and got ourselves a big bag of M&M´s and two coffees to go.

- Oh Wow! This coffee is truly horrible. Who makes this shit?!

Said Satan  indignantly. Satan really appreciates a good coffee, you know. We used to take walks together in Italy just for the sake of a good coffee. This incident really spoiled a lot of Satan´s good mood for the day.

- You know what? I am not even going to drink this.

Said he while throwing it in the garbage bin.Then continued. 

- And you shouldn´t either. The fact that people compromise and drink this rubbish makes them keep selling it. 

- Ok, Satan. 

Said I while sipping my coffee. 

- Do you like it? 

- Not particularly. 

- Then why are you drinking it? 

- C´mon, dude, we just bought some coffee to go and some stupid M&M´s. Those are not going to be the best gourmet chocolate either. Cheap colored little thrills. Relax! 

- I never relax. 

- Too bad. 

Slowly we entered the Enchanted Forest through the Portal of Happiness. 

- So, said Satan, are you going to tell me why you didn´t say anything all this time?

- Dear, I didn´t really have anything TO say. Everything was so confusing and this Universe has this habit to contradict me each time I affirm something that I got almost afraid of saying anything at all. I managed to abstain from all vices which is nice. I created others though, but those ones at least are rewarding. I can´t relax either, you know? Sometimes this can be quite a bummer. Only in my dreams I am relaxed. That´s why I am daydreaming more and more lately. I am slightly on the edge I guess.

- What are you dreaming about?

- Been dreaming a lot about my grandparents lately and since I am abstaining from any kind of sexual activity I´ve dreaming about my exes a lot. Particularly one.

- A good or a bad ex?

- Bad, of course. 

- That sucks!

- I know!

- Why are you abstaining from sex?

- Because I declared war to all demons (except you). Especially to Romance demons. They are the worst and most difficult to conquer. All the others were easy peasy, but these ones .... God, help me!

- Yeah, I can´t help you with that, is true. Hey! These peanut M&M´s are really yummy! I forgot how good they are. 

- Yeah, right? Each one is a little piece of happiness. 

- Indeed!  

- So, anyway, what have you been doing? 

- Well, same same as always. Taking the blame for everything. I´m getting pissed off. I am holding on the best that I can, but if they don´t give me a break I´ll give them something to complain about. That´s the problem when you are so powerful, responsibility constrains you to take everybody´s shit because one impulsive move ... even the tiniest, would mean a disaster. So there I am, taking all the punches, all the screams, blames, curses, everybody´s shit energy just because they can´t take it themselves. Such a terrible job.

- You sound a bit on the edge as well. 

- A bit? It´s only my pinky finger holding me to the edge, my dear. A nail, a thought. 

- M&M?

- Yes, thanks!

-  Are you cold?

- A bit. 

- Here, my coat is huge. We can share it. 

We sat down and snuggled into each other. 

- That´s so cozy. (Said Satan) Yum yum. 

- Look up. It is the last full moon of this year, love. And the longest.Shall we stay here and see it?

- Yes. 

- Until the end?

- Yes. 

- M&M?

- Yes. 

I love full moons. Always did. As I was looking at it with that huge smile on my face, I felt the cold wind cutting my face several times and then darkness, a float and a moment of silence. 

- God?! Grandma?! Are you here?

 

 

 

                                                             - The End- 

 

 

Meditatii

Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing .......

huuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

De mult, pe vremea cand oile mancau carpe de bucatarie, era un croitor caruia ii cam placea sa traga la masea. Si satul in care locuia acest croitor era undeva la marginea unei paduri. Padurea Vantului Puternic. Se numea asa pentru ca te lua vantul pe sus cum ii treceai ... copacul.

huuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Cand ne atingem simt fluturi in stomac. In tot acest intuneric am vazut o femeie dansand. Avea lumina in degete si ochi.
Avea rochia neagra si parul blond. Ochii ii erau verzi ca smaraldul. Era frumoasa, ce-i drept. Dansa pentru ea.

huuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Viata imi surade cu tine. Ma bucur sa te cunosc. Ieri am cumparat porumb. Imi place porumbul fiert cu sare. Nu mai are gustul de pe vremuri. Acum e o chestie dezgustator de dulce. La fel. Mereu la fel. Nu mai gaseste omul un cocean bun de porumb fiert. Ce bun era porumbul de pe plaja.

huuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

- Si ... ce-ti place sa faci?
- Nu-mi place sa-mi pierd timpul. Timpul e prea pretios, dom´le ca sa-l pierzi pe prostii.
- Si in timpul nepierdut ce faci?
- Eh, ce fac?! Ma odihnesc.

huummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

- Ai batut vreodata campii?
- Cred ca da.
- Cum?
- Pai, acum vreo 4 ani mergeam spre mare si am tras pe dreapta langa un camp sa fac pipi. In timp ce ma usuram fericit campul mi-a zis " Nesimtule, ai o benzinarie 2 km mai incolo. Pleaca-n pizda ma-tii de aici!"
- Ce, ma, zici de mama?! Am sarit ca ars si i-am si dat doua.
- Aha.

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm .......Huuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ............. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz .......... pleosc!!!!!!! ............................................Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

- Draga mea. Mi-as dori sa facem sex mai des.
- Da, dragul meu. Si eu mi-as dori, dar mi-ar placea sa fie mai spontan. Parca e prea programat, nu? Crezi ca am putea varia putin  vocabularul nostru sexual?
- Perfect! Uite ce propun, hai sa cadem de acord ca vom face sex in fiecare marti.

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ....... plosc!!! ...................hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

- Buna ziua, doamna. Am venit sa iau toporul.
- Poftim!
Si l-a luat in cap

Dooooooooong ....

                                                               

Namaste!

The rest is history or an excuse to post Amanda Palmer & Edward Ka-Spel

In the begninning there was the word
Then ... there was  english language
There were Lords of Darkness showing their true faces to little girls who wished to be little ladies of darkness themselves
There was that historic documentary in which that girl ( what´s her name?) was never casted.
But, most importantly, it was at the school of dead living beings where she first felt the itch on her foot.
There was sand where she barried it
And some sea, and some false lashes.
And there was the new order which moved things from here to there
Which made Mr Black eventually leave without his blue trombone
Found by me in a fancy little garden near some kids doing math exercises. ( So I took it! )
There were many other things, but I wouldn´t know cause I left.
(Can someone tell me what happened to the blue dog with a green apple on his head?)