Cand mi-am adus aminte de casti era deja tarziu. Le uitasem in club. Futu-i!
Text message: ME: Salut! Ati gasit cumva o pereche de casti albastre SONY?
Reply. THE CLUB: Nu. Imi pare rau.
Futu-i!
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Cand a venit trenul mi s-a facut pofta sa merg pe jos asa ca am coborat pe plaja si am luat-o incet spre casa.
Imi place drumul asta. Nu ma plictisesc niciodata de el. Sunetul marii, vantului, liliecilor.
La inceput imi era frica de lilieci, evitam multe strazi care m-ar fi dus mai curand acasa de teama lor si acum aproape ca-mi intra in ochi si nu ma sperii.
Mi-am taiat de pe lista multe spaime.
Prieten sau dusman? "Prieten"
Mda, normal. De parca dusmanul ar recunoaste ca-i dusman.
Am chef sa ma intind pe plaja si sa ma uit la stele. As asculta niste muzica, dar mi-am pierdut castile. As spune o gluma, dar n-am cui. As urla, dar n-am la cine.
Auzi, Count Dracula, fii atent: why did the tomato blush? He saw the salad dressing. Lol Stai aici cu mine sa ne uitam in zare? Ai umeri? mi-i arati? Pot sa-mi pun capul pe unul dintre ei? Asa, multumesc.
This morning my whole body was aching for adventure. I didn´t quite know what to start with. I was pondering between car racing and sky diving.
"Today is the day!" I thought to myself. "I will do it. Today I´ll fly. Sky diving it is".
I tried to call, but got the number wrong ... several times.
"What the ..."
I tried again and finally managed to talk to someone.
Sky Diving Center Person: I am sorry but we are fully booked for today. I can make you an appointment in about two weeks. Would that suit you?
Me: Pffff! Isn´t it possible to squeeze one tiny person before?
Sky Diving Center Person: No, I am sorry. Should I make the booking?
Me: Two weeks is a very long time. How can I book something two weeks from now? What if I die until then?
Sky Diving Center Person: Even though I hope that won´t be the case, I might say you´ll be doing plenty of sky diving then.
Me: Go to hell, lady!
I hung up the phone and searched for a car racing center and got an appointment. Full of anticipation I got dressed and ran out the door.
(telephone) Ring! Ring!
It was God. I had a vague feeling on what that was about so I didn´t answer and went on my way, took a cab and hit for the center.
Cab driver: So, where are you going, nice lady?
Me: Car racing.
Cab driver: How interesting. Are you a good driver?
Me: Not really, but I´ll manage.
Cab driver: It is not easy. There are many things to look out for. Especially on that speed.
Me: Yeah! Yeah! I know. The acceleration, the breaks ... I´ll manage.
Cab driver: Would you like me to give you a little tutorial before?
Me: No, thanks. I am an improviser. I´ll get the hang of it in no time.
Cab driver: You can die, you know?
Me: Don´t we all, sir? ( Said I on THAT annoying tone)
Cab driver: Who is calling you so insistently?
Me: Oh, just some guy that keeps bothering me precisely when I am about to have some fun.
Cab driver: There we are, miss. It will be 25€.
Me There you go. Thank you!
Cab driver: Enjoy!
I got out of the taxi and there He was, right at the entrance of the center.
Me: Hey! Listen, I know what you are going to say, but I am really set on doing this now and I´ll be careful, I promise.
God: Darling, how about we spend the day sitting on the grass, smelling the flowers, watching the birds and the bees?
Me: "Darling", I don´t want to sit on the grass. I want to do car racing.
God: I really think you should reconsider the grass sitting option, my dear. Let´s relax!
Me: Ok, listen! We´ll do the whole grass sitting extravaganza after the race, ok? Now move away!
God to Himself: " Fuck free will."
I got in, paid (a lot) for my fun, choose a shinny red car, put on my helmet and went inside.
Race Car Center Guy: Have you ever done this before?
Me: No.
Race Car Center Guy: Do you have a drivers license?
Me: No.
Race Car Center Guy: Ok, then I should go with you. Do you know how to drive a car?
Me. Vaguely.
Race Car Center Guy: I will definitely come with you then.
Me: Ok.
He entered the car and sat on my right.
Race Car Center Guy: Look, that pedal is the acceleration.
Me: Ah, good.
Race Car Center Guy: And this ... Hey!
He tried to explain some more, but it was too late because I pressed the pedal and banged the car straight in the wall in front of us in less than 3 seconds.
My head was bumpy, I could barely feel my legs, belly and chest. I looked at the Race Car Center Guy that had a red-blue-ish eye.
Race Car Center Guy: Are you fuckin´crazy, lady? What do you think you are doing? I hope you have insurance. This car is really expensive.
Me: Actually I don´t.
Race Center Guy: How can you go around without an insurance? And more ... come here?!
Me: You see, I´m hardcore and against the system so I couldn´t possibly have things like that on me. I have principles.
Race Center Guy: Can you move? Let´s go to the office and I´ll let you know how much those principles of yours will cost you.
Me: God! God! Are you here? God? I am in big trouble! Please come! God! GOD!
Race Center Guy was outside estimating the damage on the car which was about ....
Me: WHAT?! But I will never have this amount of money!
Race Center Guy: Lady, what were you doing here without an insurance and drivers license?
Me: Looking for an adventure. ( Said I crying, but the salty tears were making the wounds on my face hurt even more. )
Race Center Guy: Well, there you have it. You have one month to pay it. Good luck! Now, please, leave the center.
Full of blood and with no money, I limped all the way home and, as I entered my apartment, there He was relaxing on the sofa.
God: Hey, beautiful! Is everything ok? You look a bit off.
Me: You! You! It´s all your fault! You always do this to me! You never let me have it! Fuck You! Fuck You! Fuck You! Go away! At least leave me alone!
God: Does the grass sitting idea seem more appealing to you now? Come! Let´s go!
Me: (blowing my nose) With the Divine Transportation?
God: Sure! Why not?
Warm shinny light fell over us and we rode waves of happiness and bliss all the way to a most beautiful meadow by the lake. I looked at all the beauty around and burst into tears. God kissed my forehead.
God: Come on, little girl. It´s all good.
Me: ( Screaming ) WHY? WHY? What´s the point of all this? Sometimes it all feels like a bad joke.
God: What is it that you want, little girl?
Me: Freedom, God, that´s what I want! Freedom!
God: Oh, realy? Is that really what you want? That is what I am giving you, my dear, you just can´t see further than the tip of your nose. That´s not My fault.How can you ever dream of freedom when you are all bound by physicality, matter, hormones, emotions, moods. What freedom are you talking about?
Me: Then why did You give them to me? Why put me in this body and give me all these desires, all these urges?! What´s the catch? Let me guess:" in order to overcome them."
God: How else can it be a true temptation and a true overcoming, my love?
Me: That´s just cruel. And you stole that line from Jung.
God: I don´t even know why I bother, but you are not talking about freedom, my love. I am offering you precisely what (you say) you want: freedom, but you are actually telling me that you want to be a slave to your senses, that is the opposite of freedom. See the irony? Look around you. I bust My ass to give you the most beautiful life, all this splendor. Look at that orange flower, look at that frog, feel the wind on your face. Do you feel it? Do you hear it´s song in your ears? Is it My fault that you block everything for your morning moods? Don’t you see you’re stupid?! Freedom is not what you think, neither the truth that you take so much pride in seeking, neither consciousness. This is serious stuff, baby.
Me: (looking at my toes) Well, if you put it like that … Shit! How am I going to get the money for the Race Car Center?!
God: Here, take a puff of this joint, have a sip of this wine! We’ll figure it out, honey love!
As we sat down in the grass, I held His hand I felt to the bone the fact that I will probably experience true freedom only in death and I stopped being afraid. His love felt overwhelming.
God: Bare with it. Just hold it in. (He said and so I did)
God: Everybody is constantly doing something wrong and no, you are not dying (yet). Just wanted to hang out.
Ada: Oh! ... Sure! Ok. So ... what´s up?
God: Do you have something to drink?
Ada: Just some lousy vodka. Should we have some shots?
God: What the hell, bring it on!
Ada: Righto!
( Full of delight I went in the kitchen and brought two small shot glasses and a bottle of shitty vodka. There is a special kind of happiness surrounding me when I serve shots. I poured one for me and one for God. )
Ada: Do you know how to drink it?
( God lifted His right eyebrow and looked at me with great disappointment. Then He lifted up the glass and said ... )
God: Here´s to us! Bottoms up!
Ada: To us! Love forever!
(We emptied the glasses and spited fire.)
God: What about some music?
Ada: Sure!
God: Aaaah. Sweet music to my ears. Hits the spot, missy.
Ada: Happy to help, my Lord! One more shot?
God: Let´s go!
(Cheers! Fire spitting)
Ada: So, will You tell me what do I owe this visit to?
God: This is going to sound weird, but ... in the middle of all this great creation I feel ... alone ... like nobody understands me, you know.
Ada: Oh, do I?!
( Said I while preparing a third round of shots )
Ada: Here´s to you, God!
( Cheers! Fire spitting.)
God: Like everybody is projecting into me. Their own fears and stupid ideas. It gets frustrating because ... I am right there. Inside, in front, all you have to do is look. When I´ve made people I really thought I am going to have some fun. I thought is going to be epic and it is pretty nice, I am not complaining, but I thought it would be way more. All that free will crap is just .... a bummer and a continuous source of frustration . Shit! Now I am projecting. Why are you looking at me like that?
Ada: Nothing. It´s just that I had a very similar conversation with Satan not so long ago. He was complaining about the same thing.
God: As above so below, baby! Are you preparing those shots or what?
Ada: Wow, you are on a row! Are you sure?
God: Yes, today I am upset. I want to surrender.
Ada: To vodka?
God: To the Creation, my darling. To whatever is. All or nothing!
Ada: You are the Master. I shall fulfill your command.
( Cheers! Spitting fire.)
God: How about going around causing some trouble?
Ada: Oh, sure! Where shall we go?
God: We flip a coin: heads- we crash a wedding, tails- a funeral.
(He flipped a coin- It was heads.)
God: And it is a wedding, ladies and gentlemen.
Ada: I am quite happy. Had enough of funeral stories.
God: Ready for Divine Transportation?
Ada: I guess.
God: Is there any more vodka?
Ada: For 2 more shots precisely. We finish it off?
God: All the way!
( Cheers! Spitting fire!)
God: Perfection! Hang in there, beauty! We´ll be taking off in a moment.
(Divine light opened and fell on us and we rode waves of pure happiness and bliss for an undetermined amount of time. We landed dazzled in a warm and green place. )
Ada: Where are we?
God: I don´t really know. Looks like Argentina, though.
( He checked His GPS and confirmed.)
God: Yes, it is Argentina and our wedding is right there.Let´s go!
Ada: But wait! What are we going to do?
God: Improvise.
Ada: I have a bad feeling about this.
We entered and joined the party. Obviously, it was only a matter of short time before we drew everyone´s attention. An older man came to interrupt our chaotic silly dance and asked:
Old Man: Perdon! Quien son usted? Sois invitados?
Ada: No comprendo! English? English?
Old Man: Who ... Are ... You?
God: I am God Himself and this is my friend. We came here to sanctify these two youngsters union.
Old Man: What? Who?
God: God. G ... O ... D! Dios! In person. I want to congratulate and sanctify all the people at this wedding. Look. Check this out. What are you drinking?
Old Man: Vino. Wine.
God: Cool. Check out your glass now.
(The old man checked his glass and instead of his wine there was ...)
Old Man: Agua! Es el diablo!
God: That´s not agua, amigo. Have taste.
Old Man: Es vodka! Get out of here, you evil spirit!
God: If you are not going to drink that, I can finish it off for you.
(Friends of the groom gathered around us with angry looks on their faces chasing us out with crucifixes and christian hand gestures.)
God: Wait! Wait! Un poco. Can we talk this through, please?
Everybody: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Get out of this sacred place!
God: I Am The Father, The Son AND The Holy Spirit, you morons!
Everybody: Blasphemy! Out!
(They pushed and kicked us out, spited on us as a final humiliation and went back to their celebration.)
Ada: Well, well, well. You did it this time! I knew you overdid the vodka thing. I really hate spitting. Come on!
God: Hey! Don’t scream at me. I just told the truth.
Ada: Yeah, sure! Innocent you! Fuck this. Can we please go now?
God: Yes. But one more little thing before. Time for some Divine punishment. May all the women, wives and lovers present at this party get their menstruation right … now! Stain all their fancy dresses of blood and none of the men present at this wedding get any sex tonight! “And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!” Amen!
Divine transportation!
(My stupefaction got interrupted by the waves of happiness and bliss that we rode all the way to the gas station where we stopped to get a bottle of vodka. And then we arrived on the beach. The night was starry and warm.)
God: Come on, beauty. Let’s have one of those shots of yours and go clean up in the sea! Sea water cleans everything.
Ada: You really have a way of doing things, haven’t You?
(Said I smiling with admiration and love while I was pouring the shots.)
Ada: Here’s to you, My Lord! You don’t always give me what I want, but You always give a hell of a ride. Love forever!
- Oh, good idea. I didn´t know what was missing. (Retorted Valentina) Do you think he is going to be alright?
- I couldn´t care less. I had a bad feeling about this journey from the beginning, but ... we just had this crazy situation because of this funeral and stuff. He picked up a bad day to piss me off. I am still coming to terms with George´s death myself
- What were you? Also cousins, or what?
- He was my paternal grandfather´s only daughter-in-law´s brother.
. Mhm.
- We were quite close, you know. Maybe the closest from all family members. I am still not convinced about the cause of his death ... I mean what does "Eaten by beasts of the forest" even mean?
- Actually, it has been a lot on the news lately. The beasts of the forest seem to have gone bananas. More and more people are getting hurt or even eaten by them. Such as your paternal grandfather ....only daughter ... George´s case.
- I really appreciate you coming with me. I couldn´t have handled this by myself.
- Oh, please. What are friends for? (Said Valentina with a smile.)
- Oh, crap! We have to cross the Enchanted Forest. We must leave the car here and walk. Shit!
- Do we have enough time?
- Yes if we hurry. Come on. Let´s go!
- I am not used to this quietness. It kinda creeps me out. (Whispered Valentina)
- Don´t worry. I used to come here all the time. It is quite a friendly place when you get to know it.
- Maybe, but still ...
(A peculiar noise was coming from the bushes on the right, but in such silence all noises become peculiar.)
- Wow! I must admit that the sunlight hits wonderfully through the branches. (Said Valentina). Do you see? .... Simona? (She turned around to her friend, but all she saw was Simona with a rock in her fist)
After hitting Valentina with rock in her head several times, Simona checked Valentina´s pulse (or lack of it) in order to make sure that she was dead.
"Nice and quick" Thought Simona to herself.
- I am sorry it had to be you, dear. So sorry.
Said Simona while carrying the dead body along the forest.
"What time is it? pfffff ... 7 more minutes. Come on! One last push. There´s the border"
At the border there were a bear and a fox.
- Hello, Miss. Your name? (Said the bear)
- Simona Mandake.
- Your id please. (Said the fox)
Simona handed over the id and the two animals checked it.
- Human sacrifice?
- Yes, there it is.
- Good to go. (Said the bear) . Good day.
- Thank you. Goodbye! (Said Simona with a sigh of relief and crossed the border free of any extra burdens)
"Time: 3 more minutes till the funeral and I can see it from here. I can finally relax".
Calmly and steadily, she arrived at the funeral. Among others, she saw Mircea all torn up.
- What happened to you? You look like shit.
- Oh, you didn´t seem to care so much when you dumped me by the side of the road. I am lucky to even be here, you know. Where is Valentina anyway?
- May we have a moment of silence, please? ( Said the tall elegant priest) And let´s pray together for the soul of George. ........ May God put at rest the soul of George in place where there is no pain, nor suffering, nor sobbing ... In the name of the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit ... Amen!"
- Amen! (Said Mircea crying gently.)
- So, I guess this is it. What are your plans? Shall we go back together or what?
- I guess so. Just don´t leave me alone by the road again.
- Just don´t be annoying about the temperature anymore.
- I can´t help myself. I am sensitive.
- Whatever. I guess we are not in a hurry anymore. We´ll have to cross the Enchanted Forest by foot, I left my car on the other side.
- Oh, no problem. After all I´ve been through today ... a short relaxing walk sounds like a really great idea.
- Perfect. Let´s go. ...
- I must admit I was quite touched by the ceremony. The priest had an impressive voice.
- Yeah. Tell me what happened after we separated.
- Oh, you won´t believe it, At first I thought of hitchhiking, but nobody would stop ... just the opposite. ...
As they were walking through the Enchanted Forest, Mircea told Simona all the story about the meeting with the Pegassus, the soul offering, the flight while Simona was just nodding her head saying "Mhm"
- ... But up there was so cold and windy and you know I am temperature sensitive, right? ( Said Mircea while turning to Simona and taking her by surprise with a rock in his fist)
- Screwing me up once is quite enough for today, don´t you think so, cous`? ( Said Mircea while smashing her head). You think you are so smart, don´t you, bitch? That you are the only one who knows you need a human sacrifice to cross the border, huh? We are family, love. I know a thing or two about the Enchanted Forest. You picked on the wrong motherfucker!
At the border there were a stag and a wolf.
- Hello. (Said the stag)
- Hello.
- Name?
- Mircea Farkash.
- Id?
- There you go.
- Human sacrifice.
- There you have it.
- Good to go. Good day, sir!
- Thank you. Likewise.
Relieved, Mircea crossed the border taking a deep breath and a close look to find Simona´s car. Luckily it was right in front of the forest. He smiled and walked calmly towards it. Opened the dor, steped in and turned on the engine.
" Man, it was a long day. I don´t know what I need more a yoga flow or a whiskey. Maybe i should flip a coin: heads yoga, tails bar." He flipped: It was tails.
"Those bitches! I´ll cut them in half when I´ll see them. Bbbbrrrrr .... I´m freezing. Oh, here comes a truck. Please, God, please!"
Prayed Mircea while trying to stop the truck. But it passed right by him with the driver showing him the middle finger.
- Fuck you too!! (Screamed Mircea)
Suddenly the truck stopped. The driver got down furiously and grabbed Mircea by the collar saying;
- Say, what, motherfucker? C´mon, say it again!
- What?
- Were you screaming at me back there? Were you? What were you saying?
- Nothing, nothing.
- Oh, nothing, huh? I thought I heard "Fuck you!". Am I having trouble hearing?
- No.
- Then what?
- I am sorry. Please forgive me. I was upset.
- Well, let me show you just how upset I am:
With two punches in the face and a kick in the stomach, Mircea fell almost unconscious.
- There you go! Serves you right, asshole!
The driver went back into his truck and left while our poor Mircea was left by the side of the road, barely breathing.
"The funeral ... I must get to the funeral ..."
- Heeeeeeelp! ... Heeeeeelp! Gosh, it´s hopeless.
Mircea looked to the left and saw a ...
- Wha wha whaat?! Is this a ....
- Yes!
- Oh! He talks! I´m either dreaming or crazy.
- Why are you so surprised? Weren´t you just screaming for help?
- Yes, but ... I wasn´t expecting a ...
- Pegasus.
- Right.
- This is our district so whatever happens we know it all.
- Oh, thank goodness. So can you help me? I am in a big rush.
- Yes, I know. You need to get to your cousin´s funeral. Yes, I will take you there.
- Oh, great! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
- On one condition.
- Sure. I´ll do anything, bro!
- In exchange for that, I will devour your soul.
- Oh my ... Pricey, pricey, no? Isn´t that a bit too much for a twenty minutes ride?
- You are free to make it on your own if you wish.
- Oook, ok, you may devour my soul afterwards. ( Agreed Mircea checking the time ) Now let´s hurry up, please.
- Hop on, Mircey!
- Oh, this is so exciting, I never thought I will have the chance to ride a Pegasus in this lifetime. Yuuuuhuuuuu!
The Pegasus took off moving higher and higher towards the clouds. It was all like dream.
"This is so awesome. Totally worth every piece of soul devouring!
Thought Mircea, but not long after take off he started feeling a bit chilly. The sensation was cool, but now the wind was cutting his face and was very uncomfortable.
- Mr. Pegassus! Mr. Pegassus! Yelled Mircea
- What?
- I am cold. Do you think we can stop for 2 minutes to recompose myself?
- Are you crazy? We just took off.
- I know, but I am very temperature sensitive, you know.
- Hang in there. We are not far.
- Yes, I understand, but I am really freezing cold. Can we please stop?
- No.
- .... Please!
- I´ll drop you off if I hear your voice one more time.
Mircea tried. He really did. He tried as much as he could: breath of fire, squishing his teeth, he tried thinking of a warm sunny beach, but ...
- It is just that ... I can´t take it ...
With a hard and ferm kick, the Pegassus pushed Mircea down from his back saying with disgust:
- Sayonara, you imbecile!
Mircea fell on squishy grass. He hit himself but not as hard as he would´ve thought so he was actually quite releved, but when he turned his eyes up to look for the Pegassus he got covered by a big pile of shit falling from the sky.
- Damn you! I hope you rot in hell forever and ever and ever and ever!!!
"10 more minutes until the funeral. Come on, I can´t be that far. "
